tonight's music selection is unlike most posts in the past... it's simply what i'm listening because i can't quite find the selection to put to what i want to write. perhaps thats because there is an obvious disconnect between what i want to write and what i feel is appropriate to be written here... as a writer and as a person it's difficult to feel censored in a space that feels like it is so very much my own. so here below is the playlist and below is a piece of the blog that i feel i can publish right now.
in your life have you ever thrown caution to the wind? have you ever disconnected from the woulds, coulds, shoulds, what-ifs and jumped without looking into what is yet to be determined? have you ever thought to yourself that perhaps just this once not looking down is the best option? yeah, i don't really either... and i don't really know why not... so i'm doing it.
and now that i've started a new adventure i'll tell you what that moment of doing those things looks like from here... the view is very different. i can see from this new perspective that there are many possible outcomes, i can see from what is obvious in my direct line of vision that if i look down i may lose my nerve. i can sense that there is something different in this endeavour - not because of all the cliches and psuedo intellectual subjective interpretations of what i should be thinking and what all the perhaps in the world could add up to mean - but because for the first time i'm walking forward in this space that i usually don't venture. that alone is worth recognition and pride. i'm calmly and slowly moving forward and enjoying the view instead of focusing on the potential negative.
if we're all being honest here it feels good to do it. it feels like breathing after holding your breath for a long time in a stale enclosed area. when you stand at the peak or you arrive where you are going and the clouds pull back from the horizon and there is that perfect still moment where even falling leaves seem to suspend in the air before their descent to the earth... that split second where you stretch from being cooped up and you inhale sharply with your full capacity and the air actually energizes and intoxicates you.
on the other hand.... arriving somewhere new indicates leaving something behind and i've begun to do that. i've got things in my line of sight that are fucking up the view and it's about time that we change that. it turns out i don't have to settle for what others believe i should be allowed to have and feel and think and experience. i don't have to allow them to dictate how this all works and goes. remember after the first of the year (actually the blog from january 11th) when i said i was foreclosing on some things? yeah, well go back and reread and know that i'm moving forward with my eye on the possibility of a different perspective and i'm not going to change course.... more importantly i'm going to do it with love, respect and honour... even the hard conversations about how things have changed and what it looks like with new information can still be had with integrity. we're definitely only trading in gold... it's the only thing i can trade in.
perhaps what is truly different about the past few days and about me is that i haven't ever done this in THIS way before. i suppose there are those that say it's all about the method. this is the first time i haven't made a list of conclusions, assumptions or expectations and then tried to make those things come true. it's the first time i have said no to others not because i couldn't sympathize or empathize or not because things had degraded to a point where the friendship couldn't be salvaged or saved but because their version of where this life is headed is simply fucking wrong. "i'm not saying you're wrong walter, you're just an asshole" - big lebowski
perhaps it just is what it is. i totally hate that saying but it fits here.... in this moment of breaths, of comfort, of trust and of a new beginning.
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