5 days in connecticut and i feel like i have gone back in time. i feel refreshed and quieted. ready for the things that must come next. in all fairness i may feel that way but i look like absolute shit. i look like i've been drinking, sitting by a campfire, smoking like it's going out of style and not showering... and i have. sleeping 4 hours a night to wake up the next morning to make breakfast as a segway into the next day's drinking. watching movies we've all seen a hundred times and telling stories that we all know the ending to... going to the shooting range and drinking scotch in the truck instead of going inside. making friends with an old adversary and then deciding that we have so much in common we should seal the deal by getting way too drunk together in the afternoon. i can't tell you how i've missed my old self. hello old friend.... hello to being one of the boys again. i missed it. i missed everything about it.
moving all the time may seem glamorous but i can say after one weekend at home - and that's what the chester house and connecticut are - that i am lonely sometimes out there without a hand to hold or a face that knows my own. i suppose that these are the things that we struggle with... i suppose the adventure portion of my life justifies the rest of it. i suppose that meeting new friends and finding myself in new ways is just as fulfilling and should make me just as happy but it doesn't. thats just it. it doesn't. sitting in the airport and getting ready to go home i realize that i don't want to leave. i don't want to move forward. i don't want more change. i am tired and i love my life here. i love having people that aren't judgmental. i love knowing that the sum of me is more than the parts. the rest is so so so hard to accomplish when i'm so tired. i'm so tired these days. i seem to not be able to hold up the world that is required of me. it seems that even when i am the best version of myself that the sheer straight up climb required to get to the next step is so high i can't seem to pull myself up. i'm tired of fake friends. i'm tired of people that are unpredictable and uncertain. i'm tired of being friends one minute and then without warning everything is different. i'm not asking for much - predictability and certainty. i just want people that know who they are and don't mind who i am - at the core of me. don't they see that i realize my flaws and all my shit is fucking heavy and sometimes cumbersome? i know what i am, i am not blind nor am i stupid. as my new found friend / former enemy says - we all have our shit. no one is fucking perfect but we can either learn from our mistakes or we can stay the same. so nice to hear someone just admit that they aren't perfect - they aren't striving to be perfect. just taking it one day at a time and doing the best they can because THAT my friends is what people do. they just do the best they can... and for now... so do i....
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