the truth of the matter is that i moved. i left 'sconsin and made the trek to fahonix. i did what i thought i couldn't do. i braved a snow storm, my feelings of sadness about leaving my parents and worry about taking the next step and i leaped. i took the plunge. and since then it's been good. it's been great. the hills and valleys have all been filled with positive lessons and good things. i have found that i am stronger and more dedicated to myself and my family than i thought i was. just today i sent the text below in an email to a friend and i think it gives a good overview of where i am...
A business in the simplest form creates a product the owners believe in and then they offer it for "sale" on the open market. Sometimes those owners have enough capital to offer investment in other people – employees, partners, tenants and even sometimes enough to cover a few cases of people that can't afford the product at market value (donations or "charity"). The bottom line is that the product must be as efficient and well made as possible to keep the cash flow coming in from the investments. When the product is faulty, the business invests in unworthy people or other properties or offers too many donations the business has to close its doors or go bankrupt.
Over the past 10 years and probably longer than that I've been working my emotional business on a policy of a somewhat damaged and offended product. I haven't gone back to the drawing board and made another product, I've tried to cover up the dings and dents and faults of the product with exterior paint and "patches" like a computer company. My call center often acknowledges that the product has known faults and that for some people will never offer the functionality that they are looking for… it just doesn't work for some people. I've consoled myself and other people by justifying the upside of the product and encouraging people to continue to have faith that eventually the patches and quick fixes will all be completed and the product will be what I've been selling it as all these years.
Before the New Year I had a paradigm shift. What if I abandoned the old product? What if without blame, guilt or anger and WITH love, respect and self esteem I simply created the product I wanted and lived the life I wanted to live? Of course there is the old fear that no one would buy something new but I believed in myself. Once I realized that I know what I want for myself and had that confidence the fear dissolved. It simply ceased to exist…. and I found that it's the first time in a long long time I've been able to live without fear. Now I'm not talking about fantasy here. I'm talking about making a very honest list of what I WANT in my life. How I want it to be and the qualities that I want to have and to have around me and then I decided to have it. I'm worth it after all… it turns out after all this time I've finally decided that I'm worth it.
The next issue was that over the years I've gotten myself into some emotional over-extension and debt. I've made poor investment choices in partners, employees and tenants. I've allowed a lot of people to dip into the emotional bank and take loans against their name or their word and never asked for those emotional stores to be returned. Perhaps because I was always afraid the original product was somewhat defective and perhaps because I didn't really believe I was worth the return. I'm not talking about a list of what people have taken and I have received against their name – John Doe – 1 hour of friendship and caring… returned 15 minute phone call and 1 lunch out in which he listened to my feelings about x, y and z. I'm talking about allowing people to simply not respect, honour and care for me. I'm also not saying I was the victim of embezzlement. I chose those people, those transactions and those events. I made the choices and felt "empty" so to speak. I was always looking for the other store of emotional wealth – God, another person, a way of thinking, a way of living that would allow the deficit to be filled up without changing the product or having the discussion about how I was allowing myself to be treated.
So now we have a new product. It's in the newer stages. I'm proud of the initial results and feel comfortable and confident about the next stages. I have a board of members that I feel very proud and blessed to have in my life. They are a resource of knowledge and love that allows me to be innovative and brave without worrying that I'll become caught up in the marketing hype or deny my own culpability. They keep me honest with myself so to speak.
The last thing which has become the hardest is learning what boundary that I have to set with others. I've finally settled on the following definition: a person that earns respect, honour and love from these emotional stores is a person that is living in respect, honour and love. I decided that metaphorically there are a lot of letters of foreclosure that need to go out. I'm saying this in a way of love and forgiveness – I'm no longer going to be enslaved or indebted to people based on the past. I've created something new and I'm asking the people and parties involved to get on board in a real and true way. It's no longer okay for me to allow people that only talk about living in truth or in honour to receive large loans out of my personal stores. When people aren't living in love and living without reverence and submission to a higher authority or they are living without integrity in many ways they simply aren't living in alignment with the new product and the new vision. My company has in fact decided to go in this new direction… I've downsized I suppose I could say and the immediate benefit of that is that I've felt strongly I have more time to dedicate to Emma, myself and the investments that matter.
i realize it's not a message that everyone will jump on board with. i realize that it's difficult for some people to read from me. unfortunately it is the way things are and it's how i've chosen to run my "business" so to speak from here on out. as micheal jackson so eloquently put it: "i'm starting with the man in the mirror, i'm asking him to change his ways, and no message could have been any clearer, if you want to make the world a better place take a look at yourself and then make a change"
(yeah i know micheal jackson is so 1987. i don't care.... i'm bringing the king of pop back)
the last thing i have to say in this new year post is that there are some people in my life and maybe even some people who read this who may be on the list of things that i'm not doing from this point forward. i'm going to say in a non-judgmental way with total love in my heart: there is no room for you in my life unless you are living in respect, honour and love. i'm not selling myself short for another day. i realize how things were in the past. i take responsibility for the past and now i'm taking responsibility for the future. if you choose not to look at yourself in the mirror and make the changes that is not my choice. i love you and wish you the best with your life...
on that note... happy new year to everyone. the 30 day hiatus will be the only one this year. sorry about the missing in action status for awhile.
1 comment:
Thank you dear. You have given me a lot to ponder. I hope you don't mind I sent a link to some friends for this blog. I think it is beautifully put. Much love.
Jason
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