you must listen and love this song / video. i'm in love with hayden. not my friend hayden... although she is delightful but this guy and his band / music. "this is the last time out for me, i don't want to wait and see..."

Hayden - Home by Saturday Video that you'll have to click through and see because I cannot get the stupid code to stop automatically playing.... grrrrrrrrrr... but it's great enough you should take the time to click through. really. i promise.


on the front of what is going on with me... because i assume that is why we are all here... well.. things with me are good. good as they can be considering that i'm still transitioning, learning, growing, changing, evolving my processes and ideas... sometimes change is good and sometimes it is temporarily uncomfortable. the idea of change being temporarily uncomfortable is something i've been thinking about a lot lately. how do i become better at it? how do i become better at accepting when and why things have to change? how do i stop outsourcing my discomforts and discontented feelings and begin owning their root and their solutions in a very real and honest way? how do these things make me a better and stronger person?

these questions and answers could keep us all night talking on the phone over a crackled connection that brings your voice closer and then softly distant. i could ask over and over again what it is that i'm gaining and losing however i think the real truth is that i'm gaining a part of myself i didn't know i was looking for and i'm losing the part of me that i have disliked for many years - the dependent part that was afraid to go it alone emotionally. i can pack a bag and leave for a week long trip on another continent more easily than i can ponder my life and find what comes next. prior to these recent developments i felt like i was meandering on my journey stumbling upon truths and difficulties and then feeling selfishly as if those things just happened. starting very recently i have decided to find a different way... i've begun to plot points between me and my goals and hold myself accountable for progress towards those points and goals. it's somewhat scary and it is a change... which is how this whole post started... with good music and change.

while you're puzzling out how i just talked myself in a huge circle i'll be reading emerson:
"Dream delivers us to dream, and there is no end to illusion. Life is a train of moods like a string of beads, and as we pass through them they prove to be many-colored lenses which paint the world their own hue, and each shows only what lies in its focus. From the mountain you see the mountain. We animate what we can, and we see only what we animate. Nature and books belong to the eyes that see them. It depends on the mood of the man whether he shall see the sunset or the fine poem. There are always sunsets, and there is always genius; but only a few hours so serene that we can relish nature or criticism. The more or less depends on structure or temperament. Temperament is the iron wire on which the beads are strung. Of what use is fortune or talent to a cold and defective nature? Who cares what sensibility or discrimination a man has at some time shown, if he falls asleep in his chair? or if he laugh and giggle? or if he apologize? or is infected with egotism? or thinks of his dollar? or cannot go by food? or has gotten a child in his boyhood? Of what use is genius, if the organ is too convex or too concave and cannot find a focal distance within the actual horizon of human life? Of what use, if the brain is too cold or too hot, and the man does not care enough for results to stimulate him to experiment, and hold him up in it? or if the web is too finely woven, too irritable by pleasure and pain, so that life stagnates from too much reception without due outlet? Of what use to make heroic vows of amendment, if the same old law-breaker is to keep them? What cheer can the religious sentiment yield, when that is suspected to be secretly dependent on the seasons of the year and the state of the blood? I knew a witty physician who found the creed in the biliary duct, and used to affirm that if there was disease in the liver, the man became a Calvinist, and if that organ was sound, he became a Unitarian. Very mortifying is the reluctant experience that some unfriendly excess or imbecility neutralizes the promise of genius. We see young men who owe us a new world, so readily and lavishly they promise, but they never acquit the debt; they die young and dodge the account; or if they live they lose themselves in the crowd."