squander your ill gotten fortune found

although all the time periods remain unrelated to my playlist from tonight the songs are all so significant to me during a certain phase of my life and i went searching for each of the songs for a long time. i even had to change playlist websites in order to get what i wanted. here are some lyrical highlights that should express what my favourite part of each song is. PS - if you don't like these four songs you don't like me one bit. seriously. it's like saying you don't love me.



face to face - disconnected: "Trust is something that comes easy, When you've never been a victim, Lies and promises and words are said, Its you're decision to accept them. No, you dont know what you will give up, You don't know what you want, It may take you years to find out, You don't know what you need, Its something that may never come to you."

jets to brazil - wish list: "If ever I should seem to take for granted this lovely life that I have been handed, darling don't just stand there, come knock me around. 'Cause I know, I can write my way out of this black hole. Back to all the things that I miss. Sometimes, I wonder if I even exist. Add another line to my wish list."

knapsack - katherine the great: "Know that we wish there were circles in all, And hope that but notice, As you walk through hopeless halls, And there are better days waiting for everyone, But cheekbones, good homes, Won't always be there, They won't always be there. Set out to shut up
And you know that you want them to care, You can be grateful, You can be strong, We are not wrong."


tonight i went back. way back. well it all started today with seeing john and getting to revisit that past. that version of myself. for better or worse i existed in a flawed and scary form that fills me with shame and self-judgment every time i visit that time period in my mind. not because i regret it and not because i am ashamed but because i had so much in front of me and i chose... I CHOSE to leave it all where it laid... at my feet as an unaccepted opportunity. john and i went back and we talked about it all. perhaps there is more because there are reunions to be had and i'm sure all of those people have equally unflattering memories of me doing whatever i was doing back in the day. then on the heals of that i got an email from an even older friend... someone who created and defined my life in more ways than one. he and i shared a street to grow up on and sunny afternoons sitting in a car drinking forties whenever we could (which wasn't really all that often) we shared a past that is intertwined with who we are today.

the sad truth is that we didn't all make it. we didn't all survive the teens and then the early twenties. and i don't mean we didn't survive in some abstract way. i mean that there are people who passed on into whatever there is after this life. sometimes i think about what it would have been like if it had been me instead of them. would they have made better use of their time? would they have tried harder? what excuse do i have to give them all these years later except that i have not been careful with the time i was given... that i was not mindful of the fact that actually living is our most important job. those times are few and far between. i try to dwell in those moments briefly and then smile and tip one out for the homies so to speak. i don't even really know what that means but i think it's something to do with respecting our friends while we continue to enjoy and live life... and i definitely do that.

i guess what is important is that i made it out alive. sometimes it looked doubtful. there were times where i shouldn't have lived. there were times when i should have gone the other way but sheer will power and stupidity pulled me through the darkness to where i am now. for that i am grateful. i'm not always grateful of the circumstances. i wish there had been less darkness and less moments in which i needed those survival skills. i suppose it's all water under the bridge at this point. i suppose that i am a myriad of things and a collage of those moments.... what a bright and wonderful collage it is. what an amazing journey it's been.

in closing i'll say... go back to those moments where you had to squander your ill gotten fortune found and relive those memories as painful and shocking as they might be and then give yourself a chance to be grateful. give yourself a chance to live in the now beyond all of it. be what you're here to be.