remember that time we were driving down the street and you said your cousin's crotch smelled like chicken noodle soup and i shot mountain dew slurpee out of my nose? remember when this kind of punk rock was the new indy rock and i had cds burned from your collection? remember when we were friends and we respected each other and i couldn't imagine ever not loving you? remember when my life got shitty... the bottom dropped out and i felt safe with you and trusted you? remember how i was always your biggest fan - always saying how fucking cool you were, how great your bands were and how awesome your latest girlfriend was? remember how things used to be?
remember how we had a baby and all that good shit stopped? yeah. me too. and sometimes like today it still takes me by surprise. i'm still shocked and hurt and fucking angry that we can't just seem to get along because i believe with all my heart that we're still those 25 year old kids that really do like and respect each other. i mean we have three common goals - your happiness, my happiness and em's happiness. how hard can shit be? how fucking hard? really? cuz in my heart of hearts i believe it should just be easy.
i mean maybe i'm fucking out of it. maybe i don't know shit anymore because i have a real job and commitment issues and i found a grey hair the other day. maybe all the cool funny shit i was ever going to say or do has already been done. perhaps i was never really that cool or funny to begin with. maybe i'm just fucking stupid and i'm missing something - the something that says we should scream at each other like we did today and i should hate you and wish that we had never moved here. maybe i don't get it and this is what is supposed to be going on but i'll be honest man.... i don't think i'm out of it. i think i know some pretty important shit and i'm still cool and funny and now i'm more wise and more compassionate and i have worked so hard to be a good person and a good mom and a balanced human being. and i think you're funny and kind and a great dad and i think somewhere inside you.. you're still the guy that i cared about and respected and admired and even loved.
yeah, i don't think i'm wrong and if we're being honest and i'm past the throwing shit red faced angry phase i can admit that i don't think you're wrong either. i just think we stopped recognizing that we have those common goals. i think it can be easier. i think it will get better. i think that 12 weeks is a fucking blink in our relationship and a short minute in the big picture. i think that eventually we'll figure it all out... but i hope for all of our sakes that it's before we get beyond the point where we can have a civil conversation.
because since i'm being honest i'll admit that i thought we were going to be friends when i moved back. i thought that we'd like bbq at each other's houses and laugh about shit and i would love the new girls in your life and we'd find that although it's been a hard road we're pretty fucking lucky - shit could be worse. yeah, i really dreamt that piece of shit up and believed it. hook line and sinker. yeah, i realize it's childish and simplistic and fucking lame. i realize that i was fooling myself. i mean fuck... shit can't be worse than it got today and i don't want to be friends anymore.
how did we get here? cuz it seems that just yesterday we were in mesa taking pictures of all the signs with our holgas, going to shows, talking on the phone, eating out together almost every night and laughing about everything. it seems like just yesterday that we were driving down the street and you said your cousin's crotch smelled like chicken noodle soup and i shot mountain dew slurpee out of my nose.
1 comment:
Not angry. Just my type of beautiful.
Love love.
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