i'm proud

here is something i don't understand at the very core of me... if someone doesn't want to be my friend and would like to say things about me to others then why don't they simply tell me they don't want to be friends? i understand that there are times where our friends do things that drive us nuts... but here is the thing the real thing - love them anyway. you can laugh about their quirks and funny habits all you want but don't be hurtful and mean. i'm not talking about 8th grade stuff - i'm really talking about being better people and being GOOD people. why bother to be anything else? why put forth the effort to be false? why would anyone fucking bother?

i found out last night that someone i thought was my friend has said quite a few really mean things about me. i heard some of them last night. the sad and fucked up part of it all is that i held that person in esteem above all others. it was like getting punched in the teeth and then kicked while i was down. i didn't do anything to deserve that. i'm fucking great... i'm a fucking GREAT friend. i listen, i problem solve, i support, i'm kind, funny and HONOURABLE and truthful. this is not some high school drama story... it's about more. it's about finding people that have some self-respect and appreciation for themselves and others.

this morning i turned on the tv for about 5 minutes and i saw this commercial for comcast in which the man is sitting on the couch working on the computer, talking on the phone, and watching tv while his wife and another person are talking to him. what the fuck is comcast advertising? you too can be this selfish piece of crap who doesn't really pay attention to anything except his own selfish needs? it's like we're a whole fucking society of selfish assholes. take what you want and have half interactions and half pay attention. i turned the tv right back off. no thanks. no fucking thanks. i will not become that person and i will not disrespect myself to the level of being a shitty friend or sister or mother. i may be the only who believes these things. i may be the only one who thinks it's fucked up to only give part of yourself to those you love. i don't care.... for once i'm proud that i am the only one.

today i am going to pack and to get ready to leave this place and i will let this go. i suppose who cares about friendships built on an island... in fairness they were the only ones we could make... we couldn't go anywhere else. i'm ready to move on... out of the safety and security of this bubble island and onto a real life... because i'm never afraid to really put myself out there. to REALLY love and laugh and try to be the best version of myself.