verity

ver·i·ty n. pl. ver·i·ties

1. The quality or condition of being true, factual, or real.
2. Something, such as a statement, principle, or belief, that is true, especially an enduring truth

here is the thing... the real and unadulterated thing... last night there was someone who read things that i had written and it hurt their feelings. for that i am truly sorry and wish that it could have been different.

the things that were the most upsetting however turns out to be the things that weren't written here at all but in my more private places. my feelings about events, people and the world as i have perceived it over the last week or two. i understand how these things could be hurtful but i cannot apologize for the words and feelings. i take full responsibility for anything written or implied as the words, thoughts and feelings are truly mine.

integrity and truth are things that are not subjective. they are concrete. people are either truthful and keep their word or they are not. i have been somewhat untruthful in these past few weeks because i wanted to avoid conflict - i used the excuse of hurt feelings but the reality was that it was selfish - i simply didn't want to have the necessary and potentially confrontational conversation that would inevitably come.

i am not proud of my actions and not satisfied with the outcome but i have come to realize that i will not make excuses or justifications for my words or thoughts. i am not embarrassed of my friendships or my feelings. what i was really embarrassed about was that i got caught avoiding being truthful. the irony of the whole thing is that the truth is so innocuous it was ridiculous to keep it a secret. for the record - yes, i absolutely adore cody. cody is an amazing individual with talent, intelligence, morals and a good heart. he makes me want to be the best version of myself. what is not to like about that? if others want to make that into something dirty or tawdry or tainted they can - i cannot make choices for anyone but myself.

what i am going to do is be faithful to myself and let anyone who wishes to read the words that i have put here. i am going to try to be a better person than i have been for the past couple of weeks... and make an effort to stop avoiding conflict or confrontation and start getting a little better at it. in the meantime we'll all have to live with the fact that i suck... my hope is that you'll forgive me and love me anyway.