a commentary... not about you... just about that guy

the bouncing souls - true believer

Hypocrisy (or the state of being a hypocrite) is the act of preaching a certain belief, religion or way of life, but not, in fact, holding these same virtues oneself. Hypocrisy is frequently invoked as an accusation in many contexts.

For linguist and social analyst Noam Chomsky, hypocrisy, defined as the refusal to "...apply to ourselves the same standards we apply to others"^[1][2] is one of the central evils of our society--promoting injustices such as war^[3][4] and social inequalities in a framework of self-deception, which includes the notion that hypocrisy itself is a necessary or beneficial part of human behavior and society.^{[5] [6]}

In other languages, including French, a hypocrite is one who hides his intentions and true personality. This definition is different from that of the English language.

i think that's enough about that.... don't you?

here comes the sun

found today... from the famous and perfectly wonderful hype.com -----> a belle and sebastian cover of here comes the sun.... ahhhhhhhh.... and then suddenly all is right in the world. you can go here to download it: the bat and the bird. yep. right there. just click on those words... the bat and the bird and you will go there and after the picture, actually placed nicely just below it is a little link for handy dandy downloading and then you can listen to it... it even says to jump to 1:30 if you don't want to hear all that troublesome talking. so do it. i promise things will get better.

no really they will. i promise. for example i should be studying but i'm not... why you ask? i just found this awesome site that seriously changed my whole perspective about things... know when you read something and it grabs your heart and it beats a little stronger because it's just so beautiful and poignant and it's like a poem that runs around your brain and off your tongue like sweetness? oh my gosh.. uh huh... yeah that...

go

here

now

daytrotter.com

just click on that little link and read below the downloads what it says about my favorite band and my future husbands ( i haven't decided which one... ) these united states...

you can even download the new version of first sight and some of the latest from the album crimes.

if you need to you should listen to this because it's my favorite...

honor amongst thieves

so anyway... so i'm supposed to be studying because that's what students do when they want A's and good GPAs and scholarships and things of that sort. but really, for real, i'm just over it today. i wish i had some good explanation... but i don't. sometimes i just need some time for myself to clang around in my own head and talk on the phone and read my friend m's blog because she is hilarious. sometimes i need to just cuddle with my little one and do a friend a favor and dream just a little bit about seeing a boy i like and think about all the things i would do if i had a vacation to a place with no electricity and no phone for a few days.... just sometimes i need some "me" time and i know that's just not okay in a word when every minute of everyday is scheduled but you know what? screw it... it's 11:20 and i'm doing it anyway... and now that i'm done with that i might even read a fiction book for 20 minutes *gasp*

then i might go to bed and just deal with everything else in the morning and tell myself - who cares, it is what it is, deal with it and MOVE on! because that's what m says and she has five kids - that touch snakes! - and sometimes i need to take myself way less seriously. it's only life and you know what? it's fatal. it's not that serious. in fact... sometimes it's downright funny.

just for the record

if we're keeping records... just for the record... blue october is genius...

here is the playlist for those of you who are musically challenged and don't know about things that are good...

'movies in my head that make a porno feel like home'
'i'm sinking to the bottom of my everything that freaks me out'
'making sense of all mistakes and my stupidity'

oh... just genius... for so many reasons... because just when this journey that once took me to alaska takes yet another surprising turn i find that i am not at any decision making point... this is just where we build from. just when i got tired of building i figured out we haven't built anything yet. just when i thought it was a race i figured out it's about longevity not speed. just when i thought that i had a few things figured out i realized i don't know anything. when i think that we are at the bottom... and i can't go any further i find that i am nearly emotionally indestructable. (we thank the gillmore genes for that... sheer tenacity and a seeming inability to realize you're screwed... and the ability to manage it sober or drunk)

so cheers to building, going longer, going stronger and being in the game long enough to realize that it doesn't matter if you're in the running... it only matter what you decide to do with what you're building.

with that... i bid you goodnight..

oh wait... first i threw some cyanide valentine in there because.. well i felt like it and it's a brillant song as well... don't be a baby just listen.

entropy, alligators and aimee mann

i sit tonight quietly trying to do my homework for my communications class and you keep floating to the front of my head. today was the first day that i thought of you and anger didn't well up behind that thought. today was the first day in which i wondered how long it would be until we could move back into some sort of easy flowing communication. it was so coincidental that you called... i know you... that you want to make the effort but don't want to pressure me. i wish it was just that easy. i wish after all this time that we could just move backwards and forget what transpired.
go here and listen to this: the scientist - aimee mann
perhaps one day you will understand just what it is that happened. perhaps one day we can meet somewhere and get a cup of coffee and go for a walk and just talk.... just you and i. perhaps one day we can really meet each other. perhaps we won't need anyone else to tell either one of us what to think or say or worry about. perhaps you will one day be willing to forgive what i am judged to be... it's so strange to me that you who has been judged and made mistakes and understands redemption would not understand that i am worth the same things.
perhaps it is good... and as much as it kills me because i want to deny it... but the truth is that good things have come of it. there has been fruit in it because i have gotten the chance to explore other things within myself and stand alone without the crutch that you offered. i have gotten the opportunity to reexplore a part of my old life and in ways make old things right. it's the strangest thing about loss and growth of life... one thing dies and in it's place something beautiful grows and thrives in that strange awkward space. the space that i thought was his that no one would ever fill, you grew out of so quickly and made bigger... in ways i didn't know i was ready for... that space has growth of new seeds - of what i've been sowing lately with my best foot forward.

it doesn't mean that you didn't break my heart. but i suppose that a broken heart can only really hurt in that incapacitating way for a finite amount of time before it ceases to matter. when the mattering becomes anti-matter and things cease to really have any universal perspective... perhaps even feelings and memories tend to move in forward reaction towards entropy.
regardless, i don't wallow well..... and in some ways i'm sorry about that. today as i stopped being angry i stopped wallowing and feeling sorry for myself. today i began to honor the promise i made to send you on your way in peace. i do understand. i have regret and as a result i wish things were different but you know what they say - about hands and wishes.
so farewell, don't get eaten by an alligator, give the boys my love and try your best to become the best version of yourself.... i'll be here being the best version of myself and we'll just have to agree to disagree about the rest.

'member 'bout that?

'member 'bout that line in that blue october song... the hate me song... that says "Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home"... 'member 'bout how when we found it that was so profound... of being in those dark places long enough that visual ugliness seemed like a better place to be.

if you're new here and you don't 'member 'bout that you can go here and listen to it:
hate me - blue october

'member 'bout how we talked about how no matter what happened we would always be friends and 'bout how that's what it means to be friends? yeah, and sometimes i wish you were here to see these other things and hear these other things and see what people are really like sometimes. i wish we could walk down to the beach and we could talk about simplicity and cycles and take a drive and see the lighthouse lady... and talk about chuck palahniuk because i just read his book diary. you know it says in there... "if you don't understand something you can make it mean anything" and know what? he's totally right.

so here is my postcard to you... that i would throw off the space needle in the pitch black of a cold windy evening:
"i trust people and sometimes they let me down. sometimes i take that personally. i'm smarter than that though. it's not personal. i'm still a good person just for the sake of it. i'm not judging i'm just saying that people sometimes are sausage heads. and really... do i look worried?"