then good ol' 43 hits...

relationships ending is weird. it's uncomfortable and it's strange... or maybe i'm just uncomfortable and strange inside of the experience.

today i remembered the break experience #43 - when you concretely realize that when "i'll always love you" was said it really meant "i'll love you until it's not really all that convenient and then i find another girl (who doesn't think i'm an asshole) to sleep with me, which will be pretty quick after we break up because in all actuality i really don't love you all that much"

it's harder than #7 - telling a friend you haven't talked to in awhile that the relationship is over but you don't really want to talk about it

and definitely harder than #22 - realizing that things that were your "couple" favorite - movies, songs, jokes and little intimate things - are now off limits

but it's not the most difficult thing in the world.... hopefully.... because i have other stuff to do this week and i'm tired of thinking about it.

this is going to last more than the weekend...

things are great this week... but as usual busy. more to come on the blog front... in the meantime, listen and love...

a sunday adventure!

we.... both of us... needed to get out of the house and the weather here has been absolutely beautiful! so we headed out to wander and along the way we took a few pictures. the first two are by emma - of her dog who she loves more than anything and the second is a self portrait that she took. the rest are of what was around on the first part of our journey. after lunch we're headed back out to this great park and then over to a friend's house for dinner. more pictures to follow!

just realized they didn't all come through here... you can go here to see them! http://picasaweb.google.com/alexisgillmore/November2009AWeekendAdventure#

 
 
 
 

the start of a new journey

it's been so long. so so so long. so long since i've sat down to write. to put my words out there. not for you. just for me. i've had so much to say and yet this just wasn't the forum. it wasn't the place that i could come back and spill what i felt needed to be said. and now... on the other side of this part of the journey i feel that i am more prepared to write. to be open to the positive things that come from being transparent.

my life is so good. it's just so good. i can't even describe how fortunate i've been these past few months. i am so grateful that we're in wisconsin and i'm finishing school. i just kept putting it off because it was easier to get distracted, it was easier to do other things. now i'm committed and working at finally getting finished and i can see the finish line. the metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel. and i've made it a long tunnel. 18 credit hours this semester and a research project. and it's worth every second. every hour spent studying and every moment of doubt that maybe another degree or another path would be easier. nothing in life that is worth having is easy. if it was easy everyone would have it.

and now to the other part of the blog... but first the soundtrack:


the part of my life that difficult right now is the heart part. i just want to say - without preaching - that everyone should know... they should fundamentally understand what cheating does to a relationship and to trust and respect and finally to love. it destroys it. there are people who overcome it - people who find that it was a wake up call in their relationship to make things better and i wish my experience was like that. but it wasn't. my experience was that he simply chose to sleep with another person... even though he said he still loved me. i don't think love is supposed to feel like this. i don't think love is supposed to shatter your heart.

i'm not going to go into the details because the person reads here. but knowing. and continuing on after finding out that he slept with someone else has been easier and harder than i could have ever imagined. the part that keeps my stomach in knots is knowing that the moment between them may have only been trivial to him but it was everything we had together. the two years that we built a frienship and a relationship. all the moments that were so dear to me. that were sacred. that's what he gave her. and i hope she's happy with it... i hope it fits her well.

we've tried for months. we've continued to try. in hope that i suppose we'd be able to revive what was lost. but after last night's conversation i have given up hope. i have to move on.

and so now... that's the direction i'm moving. towards the future. and what a beautiful future it's going to be.

you're back

wait.. i'm back.

i've been on hiatus. it's a long story. you should know that it's not you... i promise it wasn't about you. it was about not being able to post. really. it's a long boring story without a good ending.

but let's not talk about the past.

let's talk about what i'm currently in LOVE with....

drum roll please....

lowercases and capitals

it's pure awesomeness. if awesomeness was hot, had great music taste, drank jameson, a great sense of humor and could write amazing posts.

go there immediately and read everything. everything i tell you.

and then come back tomorrow and i'll have something for ya.