i'm going to say this again...

i'm going to say this again because:
a. it's ridiculous
b. it makes no sense
c. i feel like i have to admit my sins against good music... absolve myself for loving really really bad music

i still love this song and the lyrics... just give it a listen and tell me you don't dance at all, feel a twinge, want to at least swing your finger in time to the beat or kinda sing along... it's like crack. i seriously can't stop.... the listening not crack... duh... crack kills... remember?

does this make me a double agent?

so i'm going to let the general public in on a few secrets and it may make me a double agent... or a whistle blower... or just an asshole... all of which i am completely comfortable with.

next let's get down to business and then relate it back to you and me... because in fairness that's what we do here. i talk about me and you read and see if you agree or disagree with my words. i get the big box because i made the page and you get the small box to say whatever else you would like. i think that's pretty fair.

so the truth of the matter is that women, girls, females, members of the species with vaginas and boobs are crazy. they crawl down into this canyon called the canyon of crazy and then they cry about things that are not logical. sometimes they can't help it - it's a hormonal thing or they are having a moment of stress. just like when boys, men or members of the species with penises say really stupid insensitive things... you don't mean it and we try to forgive you. i hope no one reading this is surprised about these statements... and save your comments about how you are the exception to the rule because there is no exception to the rule. honestly. this broad generalization includes even me. now i know you are shocked that i am not perfect. i know you are surprised that i don't have a track record of perfect actions, thoughts and behaviours. yeah. i know. i'm disappointed too. so are my parents.

so my particular brand of crazy... which i've spent years working through with a laundry list of not very qualified therapists, boyfriends that hurt as much as they helped, friends that listened and had no answers for me... since they're all crazy too and lastly a weird mix of strangers and acquaintances that happened to see or be involved in my climb into or out of the canyon of crazy.... anyway, my particular brand is an especially nasty version... and every once in a awhile it pops up it's ugly dragon head.

sometimes i'm even filled with the urge to drunk dial in the middle of the night or write long blogs disclosing all of my problems and issues and the roots of them... sometimes like right now when i am five drinks into my snow bound evening in kearney, nebraska i actually get a twinge of an emotion i don't have much experience with and i certainly don't understand... envy. (different than jealousy mind you...) on that note i will leave you with this little nugget of awesomeness:

finding my path to the future intertwined with my past

a playlist dedicated to the year we graduated from high school:

i have long suspected that long portions of my life... significant portions have been lost to the sands of time... i don't really know what i mean by lost. perhaps those days have been blocked from my memory, perhaps the indiscretions of those years has done some sort of permanent damage or perhaps it is the natural progression of things... to forget our childhood and our past as we grow into something bigger and sometimes better.

i think back to those times and cringe. i think about all the things i didn't know. i think about all the things that were looming in my future. i think about all the shit that lays between where i am now and those days.

i suppose that the most accurate thing to say is that i survived those years. barely. i attempted and almost succeeded at self destruction. now it seems so strange. how painful and real the demons and dragons were. i'm surprised i made it. i'm surprised that i am who i am.

those things... a string of bad boyfriends that did their best to perpetuate my unhealthy ideas about myself, a string of bad choices that left me estranged from my family and my roots, a string of circumstances that were so in my control and yet so far from my control... a string of years that i've chosen to put behind me because i couldn't quite figure out how to go through them.

on this side of things and on the cusp of returning to the places of my near spiritual, emotional and mental demise i feel something creeping up. i feel regret, embarrassment and an urge to put things to right. could i go back in time and find all those old things and undo them? could i go back and face those demons? could i perhaps put them behind me for good and become closer to being the person i've wanted to be all these years?

things are uncertain from where i sit... in des moines with the threat of snow keeping me here... all i can do is move forward as i have always done.... hope that after all these years when the memories come floating back that all the places i've gone - inside myself and geographically have prepared me for my next step.

phoenix (now pronounced fa-ho-nix)....

roads and homes...

hard to say what i'm feeling... hard to express my mood. is tired a mood? they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions and i have a car full of stuff and good intentions ready to leave in the morning. the disconnect from my friends and family feels palpable. i suppose it's the mode i get into each time i leave somewhere. i'm not sure if it's an official known fact but... i leave well. i'm good at leaving. i'm great at departures. i guess i've done it so many times in my life that it's second nature to pull everything into my head for processing later.there are flutters of nervousness in my stomach. i'm not really sure what that is all about except the obvious. brakes, what it will be like on the other side, how the camping will be and if it will all go smoothly. perhaps there isn't much to say beyond these few lines.

i'm sure everyone knows the drill... i'll see you on the other side... the west coast as it were... i'll try to give a call when i have nothing but road in front of me and sun shining. i'll try to take pictures of myself, oddities and trees. i'll journal the old fashioned way for the next few days if i can't blog here and post whatever i come up with when i get to shannon's house.

i'm now stealing from mackenzie

i totally stole this from mackenzie... you should be her friend... she is awesome... and i apparently steal from her so you now know what kind of fucking friend i am. lucky mackenzie KNOWS what a dragon looks LIKE... so she knows i've sunk pretty low in christmases past and perhaps she won't be so disappointed in me based on the fact i didn't get her fired this year...

i you never listen to anything else i ever say in my whole life you must listen to this one thing...
WATCH THE VIDEO BELOW... it's fucking magical and wonderful and just changed my life.



oh and you can find mackenzie here: mackenzie on myspace