tonight's music selection is unlike most posts in the past... it's simply what i'm listening because i can't quite find the selection to put to what i want to write. perhaps thats because there is an obvious disconnect between what i want to write and what i feel is appropriate to be written here... as a writer and as a person it's difficult to feel censored in a space that feels like it is so very much my own. so here below is the playlist and below is a piece of the blog that i feel i can publish right now.
in your life have you ever thrown caution to the wind? have you ever disconnected from the woulds, coulds, shoulds, what-ifs and jumped without looking into what is yet to be determined? have you ever thought to yourself that perhaps just this once not looking down is the best option? yeah, i don't really either... and i don't really know why not... so i'm doing it.
and now that i've started a new adventure i'll tell you what that moment of doing those things looks like from here... the view is very different. i can see from this new perspective that there are many possible outcomes, i can see from what is obvious in my direct line of vision that if i look down i may lose my nerve. i can sense that there is something different in this endeavour - not because of all the cliches and psuedo intellectual subjective interpretations of what i should be thinking and what all the perhaps in the world could add up to mean - but because for the first time i'm walking forward in this space that i usually don't venture. that alone is worth recognition and pride. i'm calmly and slowly moving forward and enjoying the view instead of focusing on the potential negative.
if we're all being honest here it feels good to do it. it feels like breathing after holding your breath for a long time in a stale enclosed area. when you stand at the peak or you arrive where you are going and the clouds pull back from the horizon and there is that perfect still moment where even falling leaves seem to suspend in the air before their descent to the earth... that split second where you stretch from being cooped up and you inhale sharply with your full capacity and the air actually energizes and intoxicates you.
on the other hand.... arriving somewhere new indicates leaving something behind and i've begun to do that. i've got things in my line of sight that are fucking up the view and it's about time that we change that. it turns out i don't have to settle for what others believe i should be allowed to have and feel and think and experience. i don't have to allow them to dictate how this all works and goes. remember after the first of the year (actually the blog from january 11th) when i said i was foreclosing on some things? yeah, well go back and reread and know that i'm moving forward with my eye on the possibility of a different perspective and i'm not going to change course.... more importantly i'm going to do it with love, respect and honour... even the hard conversations about how things have changed and what it looks like with new information can still be had with integrity. we're definitely only trading in gold... it's the only thing i can trade in.
perhaps what is truly different about the past few days and about me is that i haven't ever done this in THIS way before. i suppose there are those that say it's all about the method. this is the first time i haven't made a list of conclusions, assumptions or expectations and then tried to make those things come true. it's the first time i have said no to others not because i couldn't sympathize or empathize or not because things had degraded to a point where the friendship couldn't be salvaged or saved but because their version of where this life is headed is simply fucking wrong. "i'm not saying you're wrong walter, you're just an asshole" - big lebowski
perhaps it just is what it is. i totally hate that saying but it fits here.... in this moment of breaths, of comfort, of trust and of a new beginning.
11 February 2008
10 February 2008
i'm goin' back to the start... a fairytale with a happy ending
tonight i'm going to do something i hardly ever do... i'm going to stop jumping to the conclusion and summary part of things. instead of writing about the lesson or the jewels of wisdom i'm going to go back in time and write about the actual past... i'm such a compartmentalizer that i forget that everyone doesn't have my brain and know all the old information.
first we're going to listen to this song and i mean listen to it and love it and then listen to it all over again. when i heard it tonight my stomach dropped and i fell in love with it immediately.
additionally you should go here: Cover Lay Down and read this music blog that i follow and hear some of the cover songs posted there.... you know how i feel about music and that the soundtrack we give ourselves really changes us and makes us what we are. i wish that people had external speakers that could play whatever we are thinking about... like the montage in movies where someone is walking or running and the song plays over the top... that is how i envision my life sometimes... the memories are there and i view them from a respectful distance (so not to get muddy, hurt or involved all over again) and i hear the music crest over the distasteful parts... music can always bring me right back there. a song can literally bring it all back.... right to the surface.
so once upon a time... (because that's how stories start around here)... there was this girl who lived all over the world. she traveled through most of southeast asia and moved almost every year. each time she started over again and made new friends (sort of). she never really got involved... it was just too messy and complicated and painful and things were sort of um... chaotic at home. (is that the nice way we say that?) so then when she is 15 she moves to this tiny town in arizona... which really isn't that tiny... and she has to begin to make friends with people - real friends that really know her. the problem is that there are so many versions of her, so many different places, so many imagined or real things that got fucked up along the way and somewhat important is the home life. the life we don't talk about even today. the parts we glaze over and we forget and we deny and we avoid.
so she set about making those friends and doing those things and creating that illusion of normalcy. i'll be honest here because i'm the narrator of this little fairy tale and sometimes the narrator gives that creepy voice over thing that gives the audience that glimpse into the future and real insight into what is "really" going on.... the truth is that it was an illusion period. full stop. end of sentence. the honest truth is that everything was so fucked up that it was a horrible front... it was the best she could do at 15 with the tools she had been given. so those years now seem so distant - literally and metaphorically. those years seem to not belong to her because the internal conversation went on a loop something like this:
everything is fine. smile and nod. it's fine. does anyone realize i'm on the fucking edge here? does anyone see what i see? do they know how fucked up everything in my life is? am i as fucking transparent as i feel? it's fine. everything is fine. smile and nod.
and that horrible front built on 15 year old knowledge and worn out coping tools looked something like confidence, anger, rebellion, alcoholism, hatred, violence, indifference, apathy and mostly it looked like a person that a fucking mess. and so the girl spent most of her time looking like it was all fine and doing shit that girls that are a fucking mess do... she dated boys that treated her as badly as she felt. she distanced herself from really knowing anyone. from really letting anyone in.
so about 3 years later when her grandfather died after the most recent relationship exploded into bits of fucked up ugly pieces that bad relationships explode into she looked around and realized that there wasn't anyone. they had no idea how she drove all night from that shitty little town just so that she could sit in his office and wear his old shirt and how four irish whiskey and waters into that night she realized that she was alone in the world. they didn't know that he had been such a big part of her that when he was buried she almost slept at the cemetery that night so he wouldn't be alone. when she drove home from that trip still reeling from the shock and pain that she packed her things and left that little town. she ran. she ran. in the next four years she moved frequently. to phoenix, los angeles, new york city, on tour and back to phoenix.
along the way she made more messes. she got herself into more messes. if we're all being honest here... she almost didn't make it... on more than one occasion. there was that night in california that we never speak of.... that black horrible indelible night. the three days after that where she didn't speak or really even acknowledge the world in general. the day of police questioning that revictimized a 24 year old girl that in all fairness didn't have the best coping skills. and the eight months that followed that she didn't eat, didn't sleep, had anxiety attacks, drank like she did when she was 17, took pills like they were candy and sometimes took too many just to feel like she could escape for a time into blackout sleep.
then came the most unlikely saviours. she got pregnant by accident (turns out pills are only 97% effective) most people would believe that this girl had no business raising another child. in fact people said it out loud... to her face... and still she knew somewhere inside her that this was the only thing big enough to get her to focus forwards instead of backwards. and so she became a mom. she had an amazing baby that changed her life and saved her from the self destruction she had been hell bent on. she went to a therapist. she stopped having the internal conversation that said she was beyond saving. she started telling herself that everything was going to work itself out. she started believing it. she found herself surrounded by friends that knew and understood her. she sought out people that would forgive who she had been and wait patiently by for her to become the person she could be. she grew up. she found love and hope and patience and confidence and happiness and it turns out that she had all the business in the world raising a child. in fact it's the first thing she didn't fail at. it's the first thing she didn't run from. it's the first thing she did with the focus forward on the light at the end of the tunnel.
i tell that story as the opening to this little blog entry:
this weekend i saw people from my past. from the darkness where now there is only light in my life. i learned that frustration and anger and disappointment from being a teenager has faded so much over time that it is simply a very distant montage of me growing and learning and changing doing the best i could do at the time. when the weekend was over i didn't want it to end. i felt like i had come home. full circle. and it was strange and wonderful. i am so grateful for that time. for that glimpse. for the perspective from here, the safe distance that i have achieved and the calm inside of me that comes from reflection, understanding and love. which comes the line in the song above... yes you are still supposed to be listening... "Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be so hard, I’m goin’ back to the start"
there is another part of all of this. another ugly part that is difficult to talk about in this open forum without worrying about how my words will be interpreted. i will say it this simply. although i wish i had the chance to communicate better, handle things differently and alter the outcome slightly i have no regrets. i am not going to start second guessing the path right now. i'm simply going to enjoy the scenery and know what i know today each day until it's time to cross a bridge.
how could i not go to bed grateful tonight? how could i not be happy? yes john... i'm writing my own happiness check... i'm the only one responsible for that.
first we're going to listen to this song and i mean listen to it and love it and then listen to it all over again. when i heard it tonight my stomach dropped and i fell in love with it immediately.
additionally you should go here: Cover Lay Down and read this music blog that i follow and hear some of the cover songs posted there.... you know how i feel about music and that the soundtrack we give ourselves really changes us and makes us what we are. i wish that people had external speakers that could play whatever we are thinking about... like the montage in movies where someone is walking or running and the song plays over the top... that is how i envision my life sometimes... the memories are there and i view them from a respectful distance (so not to get muddy, hurt or involved all over again) and i hear the music crest over the distasteful parts... music can always bring me right back there. a song can literally bring it all back.... right to the surface.
so once upon a time... (because that's how stories start around here)... there was this girl who lived all over the world. she traveled through most of southeast asia and moved almost every year. each time she started over again and made new friends (sort of). she never really got involved... it was just too messy and complicated and painful and things were sort of um... chaotic at home. (is that the nice way we say that?) so then when she is 15 she moves to this tiny town in arizona... which really isn't that tiny... and she has to begin to make friends with people - real friends that really know her. the problem is that there are so many versions of her, so many different places, so many imagined or real things that got fucked up along the way and somewhat important is the home life. the life we don't talk about even today. the parts we glaze over and we forget and we deny and we avoid.
so she set about making those friends and doing those things and creating that illusion of normalcy. i'll be honest here because i'm the narrator of this little fairy tale and sometimes the narrator gives that creepy voice over thing that gives the audience that glimpse into the future and real insight into what is "really" going on.... the truth is that it was an illusion period. full stop. end of sentence. the honest truth is that everything was so fucked up that it was a horrible front... it was the best she could do at 15 with the tools she had been given. so those years now seem so distant - literally and metaphorically. those years seem to not belong to her because the internal conversation went on a loop something like this:
everything is fine. smile and nod. it's fine. does anyone realize i'm on the fucking edge here? does anyone see what i see? do they know how fucked up everything in my life is? am i as fucking transparent as i feel? it's fine. everything is fine. smile and nod.
and that horrible front built on 15 year old knowledge and worn out coping tools looked something like confidence, anger, rebellion, alcoholism, hatred, violence, indifference, apathy and mostly it looked like a person that a fucking mess. and so the girl spent most of her time looking like it was all fine and doing shit that girls that are a fucking mess do... she dated boys that treated her as badly as she felt. she distanced herself from really knowing anyone. from really letting anyone in.
so about 3 years later when her grandfather died after the most recent relationship exploded into bits of fucked up ugly pieces that bad relationships explode into she looked around and realized that there wasn't anyone. they had no idea how she drove all night from that shitty little town just so that she could sit in his office and wear his old shirt and how four irish whiskey and waters into that night she realized that she was alone in the world. they didn't know that he had been such a big part of her that when he was buried she almost slept at the cemetery that night so he wouldn't be alone. when she drove home from that trip still reeling from the shock and pain that she packed her things and left that little town. she ran. she ran. in the next four years she moved frequently. to phoenix, los angeles, new york city, on tour and back to phoenix.
along the way she made more messes. she got herself into more messes. if we're all being honest here... she almost didn't make it... on more than one occasion. there was that night in california that we never speak of.... that black horrible indelible night. the three days after that where she didn't speak or really even acknowledge the world in general. the day of police questioning that revictimized a 24 year old girl that in all fairness didn't have the best coping skills. and the eight months that followed that she didn't eat, didn't sleep, had anxiety attacks, drank like she did when she was 17, took pills like they were candy and sometimes took too many just to feel like she could escape for a time into blackout sleep.
then came the most unlikely saviours. she got pregnant by accident (turns out pills are only 97% effective) most people would believe that this girl had no business raising another child. in fact people said it out loud... to her face... and still she knew somewhere inside her that this was the only thing big enough to get her to focus forwards instead of backwards. and so she became a mom. she had an amazing baby that changed her life and saved her from the self destruction she had been hell bent on. she went to a therapist. she stopped having the internal conversation that said she was beyond saving. she started telling herself that everything was going to work itself out. she started believing it. she found herself surrounded by friends that knew and understood her. she sought out people that would forgive who she had been and wait patiently by for her to become the person she could be. she grew up. she found love and hope and patience and confidence and happiness and it turns out that she had all the business in the world raising a child. in fact it's the first thing she didn't fail at. it's the first thing she didn't run from. it's the first thing she did with the focus forward on the light at the end of the tunnel.
i tell that story as the opening to this little blog entry:
this weekend i saw people from my past. from the darkness where now there is only light in my life. i learned that frustration and anger and disappointment from being a teenager has faded so much over time that it is simply a very distant montage of me growing and learning and changing doing the best i could do at the time. when the weekend was over i didn't want it to end. i felt like i had come home. full circle. and it was strange and wonderful. i am so grateful for that time. for that glimpse. for the perspective from here, the safe distance that i have achieved and the calm inside of me that comes from reflection, understanding and love. which comes the line in the song above... yes you are still supposed to be listening... "Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be so hard, I’m goin’ back to the start"
there is another part of all of this. another ugly part that is difficult to talk about in this open forum without worrying about how my words will be interpreted. i will say it this simply. although i wish i had the chance to communicate better, handle things differently and alter the outcome slightly i have no regrets. i am not going to start second guessing the path right now. i'm simply going to enjoy the scenery and know what i know today each day until it's time to cross a bridge.
how could i not go to bed grateful tonight? how could i not be happy? yes john... i'm writing my own happiness check... i'm the only one responsible for that.
07 February 2008
clouds got in my way
it's been a joni mitchell kind of day. work is good. i am keeping my head above water... which is good. i'm good. things are good.. ish... esque...
so read joni mitchell below and then think about all the things you would have done if clouds had not got in the way....
in the meantime i go to sleep and soon i'll have enough energy to do something more than work, sleep and eat. can't make any promises though... as to when or what i'll do when i'm on that side of it... or how i'll get there... or if i'll sleep and eat enough to still be fun...
joni mitchell - both sides now
Rows and flows of angel hair,
and ice cream castles in the air,
and feathered canyons everywhere,
I've looked at clouds that way,
but now they only block the sun.
They rain and snow on everyone.
So many things I would have done,
but clouds got in my way.
I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
from up and down,
and still somehow,
it's cloud illusions I recall.
I really don't know clouds...at all.
Moons and Junes and ferris wheels,
the dizzy dancing way you feel
as every fairy tale comes real;
I've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show.
You leave 'em laughing when you go
and if you care, don't let them know,
don't give yourself away.
I've looked at love from both sides now,
from give and take,
and still somehow
it's love's illusions I recall.
I really don't know love at all.
Tears and fears and feeling proud,
to say "I love you" right out loud,
dreams and schemes and circus crowds,
I've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads,
they say I've changed.
Somethings lost but somethings gained
in living every day.
I've looked at life from both sides now,
from win and lose,
and still somehow
it's life's illusions I recall.
I really don't know life at all.
06 February 2008
olivia newton john sucks
and i'm apparently not afraid to confront it.
things are busy. i can't seem to get ahead of the game or even in the game. the only thing it seems i can do is true to catch up, eat pf chang's with rhett, john, kathy and the kids and then make a playlist right before going to bed exhausted.
literally this is all i can type... i'm falling asleep while typing. but two important things to know: 1. i fucking love love love damien rice and would have 10,000 of his babies... i mean seriously "why did you sing hallelujah if it means nothing to ya? why did you sing with me at all?..." he's a genius 2. i don't even know what two is... i'm so tired i forgot it while i was trying to spell hallelujah.
'night.
05 February 2008
fatigue
"it'll take you a couple of vodka and tonics to set you on your feet again..." - elton john
all i can write today is that i am tired. too tired for the above mentioned vodka tonics that i may need very very desperately... just to get through everything on my plate. very very tired. ready for bed and for the lack of thought that will come with sleep. it was a good day - work was great, the weather was great, the drive home was a nightmare and emma was fantastic. she couldn't be a better child. seriously she is so wonderful, creative, smart and funny... not to mention cute.
beyond that - the news, sports, weather i have nothing to add. i can't even bring myself to be introspective about things because it will do no good. there is more i want to say. there is always more in moments like these. but this is all i can do today.
all i can write today is that i am tired. too tired for the above mentioned vodka tonics that i may need very very desperately... just to get through everything on my plate. very very tired. ready for bed and for the lack of thought that will come with sleep. it was a good day - work was great, the weather was great, the drive home was a nightmare and emma was fantastic. she couldn't be a better child. seriously she is so wonderful, creative, smart and funny... not to mention cute.
beyond that - the news, sports, weather i have nothing to add. i can't even bring myself to be introspective about things because it will do no good. there is more i want to say. there is always more in moments like these. but this is all i can do today.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)