a note in my notebook

i am under no circumstances allowed to watch the notebook again.

seriously. it's not good for me.

tonight i watched the notebook and had an existential crisis about what it all means and where i'm going in my life. i used all three of my most recent favorite analogies while trying to cope:
1. it's all chemistry. whether it's good chemistry or bad chemistry it all looks the same. the only way you know whether the chemistry has created pure oxygen or a noxious gas that will kill you is to breathe it in. you can't judge something by the way it looks but you should over time stop mixing the same chemicals if it turns out to be toxic.
2. my relationship history is sort of like a carousel. i'm not really going anywhere and i keep getting on the same horse after forgetting that i rode it two times before. i'm tired of going round and round and up and down.
3. my issues are like an overpacked disorganized garage. sometimes i need to get something out and i get frustrated that it's so cluttered and so i want to get it all sorted out. sometimes i need to take someone into the garage and i get embarrassed about all the shit i'm keeping in there. either way it's not being used for what it's meant to be used for... i'm not keeping a car in there. i'm simply using it for storage of old crap.

i realize that none of those have the full appeal that they do when i explain them in person and none of them sound really insightful. i also realize that they are all sadly true.

passport

i watched CNN today.

have you ever thought seriously about marrying someone from another country just so can have a different passport and then you didn't have to be associated with your own government?

i have.

i tried to find a quote or a picture here to justify these feelings but i got depressed looking. this is all i could find and i think it sums it up pretty accurately.



can i emigrate now?

i'm not even picky about to where.

word of the day... past blog entry

it's the oxford english dictionary word of the day and an awesome blog entry of mine from back in the day... go back and read it if you haven't had the pleasure.

Brit. /

psmn/, U.S. /prsm()n/

A. n.

1. The edible plumlike fruit of the North American tree Diospyros virginiana (the persimmon tree: see sense A. 2a), a large yellow or orange berry which is usually very astringent even when ripe but becomes sweet when softened by frost and almost rotten. Also: the similar but larger fruit of the Japanese tree D. kaki, which is much eaten in China and Japan and increasingly elsewhere.
The Sharon fruit is a form of the Japanese persimmon which can be eaten at a much earlier stage.

2. a. The tree Diospyros virginiana (family Ebenaceae) of the southern United States, which produces the persimmon fruit (more fully American persimmon). Also (more fully Japanese persimmon): the related tree D. kaki, a native of China and Japan which is increasingly grown elsewhere for its fruit; also called kaki.
Mexican persimmon: see Mexican persimmon n. at MEXICAN n. and adj. Special uses 1b.

b. The hard wood of a persimmon tree, esp. Diospyros virginiana, formerly used for making golf-club heads and loom shuttles.

3. The colour of persimmon fruit or wood; reddish orange; reddish brown.

B. adj. Of the colour of persimmon fruit or wood; reddish orange; reddish brown.

---

PHRASES

P1. Chiefly U.S. colloq. and regional. to be a huckleberry to (also over) someone's persimmon: see HUCKLEBERRY n. 4.

P2. to pass one's persimmon: to be beyond one's comprehension or understanding. Also to be a jump above one's tallest persimmons.

P3. to shake down (also bring down, rake (up), walk off with) the persimmon(s): to win the prize, to pocket the winnings. Now rare.

P4. the longest pole knocks the persimmon (and variants): the best-placed or most able contender wins.

P5. that's (the ripe) persimmon: that's fine, that's ideal.

P6. it's no use taking four bites at a persimmon: a good opportunity must be seized promptly. rare.

---

COMPOUNDS

C1. Chiefly U.S.

persimmon beer n.

persimmon bush n.

persimmon-coloured adj.

persimmon plum n. Obs.

persimmon pond n.

persimmon tree n.

persimmon wood n.

C2. persimmon-skin n. U.S. colloq. a person with persimmon-coloured skin; spec. (depreciative) a light-skinned black person.

i've been wondering how we got here....

the royal "we" of course. the "we" that speaks of uncertainty and never fingers a victim or a culprit or points at anyone in particular. the "we" that is palatable and comfortable and avoids confrontation and bad feelings and uncertainty. it's a nice "we". it's so sweet and innocent and innocuous.... it's something i've built a lot of my life on. that fear and avoidance of confrontation has become a whole piece of me that i use to maintain what i've built.... and oh have i ever built a glass house. it's one that several people have thrown stones at... and throw away. i've got plenty of glass to repair the things that you shatter with your ill chosen words, your inconsiderate judgments and your general misunderstanding of what i think believe and feel. i know myself and my life and my path and i know how we got here... and i would like to say that it was one big bar tab after another, you know crummy airport bar after crummy airport bar and seedy motel after seedy motel in a string of happenstance occurances that took hold and steered the vessel into the port that we're in. i would like to say it was some version of a hard luck story and that i wasn't to blame.. i had excuses or reasons or justifications. but i don't. it was a series of decisions made with the best intentions and the worst planning. it's strange to believe that we've gotten here - to this junction in the road through thought and discussion and planning. it's almost silly how something rooted in love and hope can take a turn into such a tawdry little one horse town filled with desperation, loneliness and angry hurt feelings.

i guess it's easy to just sum it all up: the road to hell is paved with good intentions and you can throw stones at my glass house right here on the corner of hell avenue and ill-remembered love way.

the eels - 3 speed

you can listen to an amazing song that i get stuck in my head at least once a week here: http://hypem.com/search/eels%20-%203%20speed/1/

yeah you'll have to right click and then listen on the hypem.com site because well.... apparently people don't like to have their music all free and shit floating around the internet.

you can thank cody for this awesomeness.... one, two, three.... THANKS CODY!

now that was nice. like an internet hug. which is in fact free.... which brings me to the most awesome thing ever: