alligators and coldplay

have you ever given up? what did it feel like? what did it look like? were you listening to this song as you did it? Coldplay - Viva la Vida




did you sit on the porch and spill your heart and it's contents before your roommate and God in an attempt to fight the good fight and grasp aloud what was right behind your eyes and wandering aimlessly in your heart. did you find the moment that you came to great clarity with thunderous understanding and perfection that the person that you believed was fighting right along side of you was actually an adversary?

did you hear your roommate say "i know how to call an alligator back" just as the frustration level reached it's peak and you were pretending to make the hissing noise that alligators make to say that they are all set?

did you know at that moment why alligators eat people? i do.

i give up today. not in a poor me way. not in a i can't do this way. i give up because i deserve better. i deserve to know that when i roll the dice and go all in that what i'm gambling on is more than an alligator's temperment or fake plastic chips. i want to know that when i look back on this moment it's not that i chose my path based on maybes... i chose it because it is my Spiritual north and i know in every piece of my being that there simply is no other choice. i want to know that when i get through with the good fight and i've bared my soul to those that stand still and listen long enough to hear it that any scars or cuts that are visible are ones that were not self inflicted and weren't inflicted by an enemy... that those are the scars and cuts that i had to get as a matter of course to get here.

did you know you always get what you ask for... we always get what we ask for no matter what. at that moment... after everything had transpired did you suddenly feel free and completely comfortable in your own skin for the first time in years. maybe you don't have to go anywhere to get to home... maybe home is in your heart and you get there by coming back to yourself with such force that you are ready to stand alone to defend it.

either way... tonight as i listen to coldplay and think about myself i know that this is the perfect place in the perfect moment with everything right where it should be and i find comfort in it... i find satisfaction and happiness.... and that feels like i'm winning the fight.... the good one.

the physics of meaning

the physics of meaning it's a band with a great song called aeroplanes and hurricanes... not my favorite like These United States over and over again but it's metaphorical and you know i'm a girl that likes the comfort of things being metaphorical and literal all at the same time. it gives me a strange contented feeling like running my tongue over the same spot on my cheek that i accidentally bit into. to understand that things are working on every plane and every platform and every level. when i find things come together in the perfect symbiosis that is a healthy life experiment i am always elated. excited like i feel when i have deja vu and when i finally see clearly what was right in front of me the whole time.

so anyway, the physics of meaning. what things mean and what is said and implied and how things are interpreted and what expectations are built and how fragile they all are when piled end to end in a tower like form. what that means and how gravity, motion, kinetic and potential energy all apply to tower building and misunderstandings that happen by default because we are imperfect and flawed beings. like building a tower to babel those things - the communications that are missed and the laws of the universe that we have created between us - eventually those come clanging down because the language is no longer understood amongst all the communicators.

i'm not sure how to avoid these things. i try time and time again to communicate just as clearly and honestly as i can but i find more often than not that either i fail or i seem to have misplaced my stupid decoder ring. i wish that i could somehow... just somehow see how delicate things are... when the message i'm getting is that they are perfectly stable. perhaps i'm just one of those people who is too direct, too straight forward or too logical. i, horror of all horrors, take things literally when people tell me what they want, think or feel. i like to overthink and be impulsive and i've found that it just doesn't work because i'm not a mind reader and truth be known i'm just not that smart. so i've worked hard to let people be what they are, accept what they are giving, wait until the message changes before i jump to conclusions. i thought that was all good stuff... being redemptive or neutral instead of reactive. however... every once in a while i realize about 10 hours too late that i've missed the secret message written in invisible ink and i am left with the pieces of the tower that i didn't even build.

so from now on... if you're looking for a place to dump your expectations, judgment, secret messages, implications and unspoken ideas... you need to do it on your side of the street. those things aren't mine. and it hurts my feelings to know that even when you promise that we're on the same page and i trust you that it could change at a moment's notice. i'm simply not ready for those if, ands, or buts. we have built something so strong and wonderful. i'm surprised that it could be blown over by something that seemed to be so within our realm of what we could together deal with. that uncertainty and that doubt and fear is not about being... that's about doing and i'm definitely not allowed to do that.

also want to say on a dorky side note that today i finally understood arrhenius equation and can solve for the variables and even use the integrated equation. i was proud and kinda nervous.... sometimes success is as scary as failure. i did find it coincidental that the things in the equation seem to apply to my personal situation today. if you'll indulge me (which you will because it's my blog) i'll show you what i found kind of amazing...
the equation is as follows:
k = Ae ^Ea/Rt
where k is the rate constant
A is the frequency factor
Ea is the activation energy
R is a given constant (8.314 J/mol)
and t is the temperature.

so.... now you apply it to life
k is the rate at which interactions take place
A is the frequency at which they successfully occur
Ea is the effort required to make the interaction positive and fruitful
R is the constant or the basis - your personal values, morals and ideals that offer common ground
t is still the temperature but we can use the scale of "cold" to "hot" for "dislike" to "love"

i promise if you start plugging in numbers from your personal life you will find that it works.... because chemistry is not subjective and it is not about decoder rings. it is all about clean science that is logical and perfect and if i could i would only live in that world... because well.... it makes so much sense.

it's not unusual

it's not unusual for me to fall in love with bands... i can't help it. i know it's been a long time since i've felt it necessary to go on and on about something... the last one may have been nick rallis and i totally still love him... but that isn't what this is about. it is however about this amazing band that has me dancing around and listening to the same songs over and over again... with butterflies in my stomach like i get from the amazing sam beam. (let's not even go into the thing i have about him... sigh... i'm just saying i totally love him)

the important thing to know is sometimes you find a band and music that makes your heart happy... not the impermanent happy like you get from three jameson and ginger ales or from the forward about what an idiot john mccain is or even the temporary happiness that you achieve when you get naked with someone you're not sure you like for all the wrong reasons.... i'm talking serious happy like spending time with friends around campfires, listening to jason anderson live, hugging a friend you haven't seen in a long time, eating earl grey ice cream and the kind of happy that makes waking up in the morning seem like a cake walk. this band is that... for no reason other than they have clever lyrics, sing along melodies and ingenius layers of music and instrumentation that will make your toes taps and your heart leap around at the beauty and perfection of finding artists that get it... after being bombarded with crap from the pop music machine that drives out all the things that create the wonder of music you will be happy on a fundamental level to find this band. additionally there were good beards in the pictures, witty "influences" on myspace and they like this american life. seriously... it's like they are just for me and you in some cosmic wonder of serendipity.

so here they are.... the best thing since the apricot walnut sliced bread i had as toast last weekend. they might even be better than crushed ice... well no... but they are totally better than slurpees and i promise you will want to buy albums and show tickets and maybe even better speakers for your computer...

These United States:


so here is what you must do.... must must must... no bullshit whiney excuses like "i'm too busy for wonderfully written amazing music that will change my life for the better"

1. go to myspace and add them immediately: These United States - Myspace or go to their website These United States

2. listen to these and love them... i will only leave them up for a few days and then you'll have to listen on myspace.....

- i removed the mp3s... you'll have to go to myspace... too late sucka -


3. love them as i love them

4. buy their latest album or all the albums or tickets to a show or me one of those fancy t-shirts in black and white (girls' size medium)... it will go great with the new steady as she goes tattoo (will be new when i'm in ct in october) and my new anchor belt buckle (which is new thanks to some sort of secret admirer as of last week...).

see how simple it is to make your life better and make me a happy girl?

the title of my life right now.... and a new tattoo

Corinne Bailey Rae - Steady As She Goes

it's an alright day when you can give your life a title while deciding what your next tattoo will be... that's pretty much the highlight of the day... and the last 7 days for that matter. and let me tell you saying "things pretty much can't get worse" is just about the stupidest thing a person could say... if stupidest was a word (which it might be unlike stupider... which still makes a great political campaign slogan "Everyone is stupider than me") and a person was so inclined to say something more stupid than the statement that comes right before that which is "i think this might be manageable".

what a person should say is... thank you dave kwant for always being the man with the love and the balls to "do" EPIC it's boys like you that make girls like me happy.... i have given more than enough warning that i will be making a fall appearance in ct which means take the weekend off of work, buy some jameson and start stealing firewood.... and last but not least "do i look worried?" and if i do by some odd chance don't worry... steady as she goes.

it might seem contrary

brothers on a hotel bed - death cab for cutie

it may seem contrary but i can say with absolute confidence that what i like about a relationship is... drum roll please... the end. not just the end but the time three months after everything is said and done where the other person does something stupid and ridiculous and you laugh aloud. it's such a relief to know that you made the right decision and that they are gone from your life.

some people might just for argument's sake say or insist that they like the beginning... where things are all cute and you have those shaky butterflies in your stomach and you exchange cutesy little stupid text messages.

or they may insist that it's the middle where things have calmed down and it has some false sense of psuedo security.

not me. no. i like the certainty and the clarity and the sheer finality of the ending. i like knowing that i can go back to living my life without wondering what they'll do or what it will be like 6 months from now or thinking about how you'll ever convince them to stop doing that annoying shit they do. i love the freedom and perfection of being myself again without the constraint of having to worry about another person. what delicious days without the pressure of someone else's needs and wants clouding everything that makes sense.

oh... i love my life, flaws, imperfections, wrinkles and all. i don't regret one day... there are some i'm not fond of and things that with hindsight i've realized were poorly done, poorly said and not thought through... but i still love what has brought me here to the cusp and clarity of a future that i chose... and i didn't even set a milk bomb off...