favourite movies?
(not in order)
1. armageddon - scariest environment possible.. that's all you had to say... scariest environment possible
2. proof - gwyneth paltrow, anthony hopkins and mathematics
3. elizabeth - cate blanchett and amazing historical accuracy + costumes
4. bandits - bruce willis, billy bob thornton, cate blanchett plus funny funny lines
5. fight club - i won't even bother to explain
6. high fidelity - john cusack and great great music
7. amelie - french and amazing
8. the affair of the necklace - hillary swank and intrigue and political commentary
9. braveheart - i love you, i always have, i want to marry you
10. last of the mohicans - can't even begin to explain.....
watching proof for the second time. missing connecticut. crying. laying in bed. can't say it's the bottom of the barrel but i will say that i'm close.
dad has next surgery next tuesday. people can live without a lung right? what about that liver? what about a kidney? what about a good heart? it's not looking up...
06 November 2007
05 November 2007
sometimes i have a hard time really saying what i mean
sometimes i have a hard time being direct and saying what i really really mean.
so here goes an attempt.
to you. because you should know who you are. i'm really hurt by the newest development in our friendship in which you without talking to me or telling me why have sort of disappeared. i realize things have been sort of hairy lately - with my transition and with my dad being diagnosed with cancer and all - but i really needed your perspective and your support. i asked and you said that we're fine and that nothing has changed but i haven't heard from you in almost two weeks. thats really weird since we used to talk almost everyday. what i really think is that you're busy and you don't want to deal and that you have other things on your plate and blah blah blah. well great. fucking man up. tell me. don't just stop being my friend while i am struggling to keep it all in perspective... i can always handle the truth. friends don't lie to friends. friends aren't passive aggressive to friends.
just so you know... things are good. and even if they weren't i'd never let you know.
so here goes an attempt.
to you. because you should know who you are. i'm really hurt by the newest development in our friendship in which you without talking to me or telling me why have sort of disappeared. i realize things have been sort of hairy lately - with my transition and with my dad being diagnosed with cancer and all - but i really needed your perspective and your support. i asked and you said that we're fine and that nothing has changed but i haven't heard from you in almost two weeks. thats really weird since we used to talk almost everyday. what i really think is that you're busy and you don't want to deal and that you have other things on your plate and blah blah blah. well great. fucking man up. tell me. don't just stop being my friend while i am struggling to keep it all in perspective... i can always handle the truth. friends don't lie to friends. friends aren't passive aggressive to friends.
just so you know... things are good. and even if they weren't i'd never let you know.
five days backwards in time to a period that makes sense....
5 days in connecticut and i feel like i have gone back in time. i feel refreshed and quieted. ready for the things that must come next. in all fairness i may feel that way but i look like absolute shit. i look like i've been drinking, sitting by a campfire, smoking like it's going out of style and not showering... and i have. sleeping 4 hours a night to wake up the next morning to make breakfast as a segway into the next day's drinking. watching movies we've all seen a hundred times and telling stories that we all know the ending to... going to the shooting range and drinking scotch in the truck instead of going inside. making friends with an old adversary and then deciding that we have so much in common we should seal the deal by getting way too drunk together in the afternoon. i can't tell you how i've missed my old self. hello old friend.... hello to being one of the boys again. i missed it. i missed everything about it.
moving all the time may seem glamorous but i can say after one weekend at home - and that's what the chester house and connecticut are - that i am lonely sometimes out there without a hand to hold or a face that knows my own. i suppose that these are the things that we struggle with... i suppose the adventure portion of my life justifies the rest of it. i suppose that meeting new friends and finding myself in new ways is just as fulfilling and should make me just as happy but it doesn't. thats just it. it doesn't. sitting in the airport and getting ready to go home i realize that i don't want to leave. i don't want to move forward. i don't want more change. i am tired and i love my life here. i love having people that aren't judgmental. i love knowing that the sum of me is more than the parts. the rest is so so so hard to accomplish when i'm so tired. i'm so tired these days. i seem to not be able to hold up the world that is required of me. it seems that even when i am the best version of myself that the sheer straight up climb required to get to the next step is so high i can't seem to pull myself up. i'm tired of fake friends. i'm tired of people that are unpredictable and uncertain. i'm tired of being friends one minute and then without warning everything is different. i'm not asking for much - predictability and certainty. i just want people that know who they are and don't mind who i am - at the core of me. don't they see that i realize my flaws and all my shit is fucking heavy and sometimes cumbersome? i know what i am, i am not blind nor am i stupid. as my new found friend / former enemy says - we all have our shit. no one is fucking perfect but we can either learn from our mistakes or we can stay the same. so nice to hear someone just admit that they aren't perfect - they aren't striving to be perfect. just taking it one day at a time and doing the best they can because THAT my friends is what people do. they just do the best they can... and for now... so do i....
moving all the time may seem glamorous but i can say after one weekend at home - and that's what the chester house and connecticut are - that i am lonely sometimes out there without a hand to hold or a face that knows my own. i suppose that these are the things that we struggle with... i suppose the adventure portion of my life justifies the rest of it. i suppose that meeting new friends and finding myself in new ways is just as fulfilling and should make me just as happy but it doesn't. thats just it. it doesn't. sitting in the airport and getting ready to go home i realize that i don't want to leave. i don't want to move forward. i don't want more change. i am tired and i love my life here. i love having people that aren't judgmental. i love knowing that the sum of me is more than the parts. the rest is so so so hard to accomplish when i'm so tired. i'm so tired these days. i seem to not be able to hold up the world that is required of me. it seems that even when i am the best version of myself that the sheer straight up climb required to get to the next step is so high i can't seem to pull myself up. i'm tired of fake friends. i'm tired of people that are unpredictable and uncertain. i'm tired of being friends one minute and then without warning everything is different. i'm not asking for much - predictability and certainty. i just want people that know who they are and don't mind who i am - at the core of me. don't they see that i realize my flaws and all my shit is fucking heavy and sometimes cumbersome? i know what i am, i am not blind nor am i stupid. as my new found friend / former enemy says - we all have our shit. no one is fucking perfect but we can either learn from our mistakes or we can stay the same. so nice to hear someone just admit that they aren't perfect - they aren't striving to be perfect. just taking it one day at a time and doing the best they can because THAT my friends is what people do. they just do the best they can... and for now... so do i....
29 October 2007
this is important
okay the morning playlist is going out the window in light of a new development... i fucking love the band 'the ballet'. it's serious. and big tall jay (formerly of the mfj psuedonym) loves them too... and he's seriously a giant and has a huge mother so that's a lot of love.
i've listened to their track like six times
awesomely sweet track - in my head
then i looked at their myspace page again
sissypopband - that's what THEY said not me!! and i LOVE it.
and read it all and looked through their stuff while streaming the audio there. then i watched this awesome video and coveted the guy's guitar strap and wanted to ask them all out to ice cream. and not just any ice cream but like 31 flavours and i would totally pay and we could hold hands - all of us - not in a weird uncomfortable palm to palm stiff 4 finger and separate thumb against 4 finger and separate thumb kinda way but in the comfortable loose fingers splayed and loosely knit together kind of way.
my advice to you is to listen to everything you can, watch the video, love them with me and then buy their album immediately... fucking immediately. it would be silly not to... just simply silly.
buy an amazing album here
i've listened to their track like six times
awesomely sweet track - in my head
then i looked at their myspace page again
sissypopband - that's what THEY said not me!! and i LOVE it.
and read it all and looked through their stuff while streaming the audio there. then i watched this awesome video and coveted the guy's guitar strap and wanted to ask them all out to ice cream. and not just any ice cream but like 31 flavours and i would totally pay and we could hold hands - all of us - not in a weird uncomfortable palm to palm stiff 4 finger and separate thumb against 4 finger and separate thumb kinda way but in the comfortable loose fingers splayed and loosely knit together kind of way.
my advice to you is to listen to everything you can, watch the video, love them with me and then buy their album immediately... fucking immediately. it would be silly not to... just simply silly.
buy an amazing album here
28 October 2007
emerson and moments
i didn't even drunk dial but then against all reason there was his voice on the line. the man that i would change everything for. the one that got... wait... perhaps went willingly, happily, with good reason... anyway he's gone. except for that voice across the miles. the lilt in his tone and the happiness at his new life unmasked in his trust and love of our new friendship. a friendship built on hope on my part that perhaps one day we'll be different. that difference will be that we are a solid unit. it's not a daily hope, a goal or a certainty it's an abstract idea like finding a first edition book signed by the author at a garage sale. like winning the lottery. i'm happy to leave it as a fantasy. i'm happy to leave it where it is but each time he calls or reappears there is that glimmer that flash of emotion and of regret. oh the regret. the urge to find a time machine and right those wrongs. the urge to erase what stands between us and what holds us from each other. the urge to beg him to discard his new found love and happiness for a bed of old times and fading memories with me. even i know that it's a ridiculous hope and so i cover it convincingly with a smile and mirrored joy at his happiness. i'm so good at it sometimes i even believe myself.
once we fell in love in connecticut during a cold winter that kept us moving from the side of a fire to blankets on the couch to glasses of jameson or wine to a bed where we found each other for the first time. we created hope and silly little jokes only we could understand and told each other secrets in the cold night that we hadn't revealed to most people. once we spent two days in new orleans. we made love in a hotel bed tangled in each other. laughing about private jokes and our secrets. once we spent a days in north carolina hiding from cool air and enjoying the fresh air of the balcony as it silently stood above the river. we had sex there in a more purposeful and needy way. we used the intimacy to cover what doubts and uncertainties we held between us. we laughed about the old private jokes and the secrets that were so long past they no longer held weight. once after we were finished i fished our love out of the dark green murky ocean in alaska on the back deck of a bar everyone loves. i touched where he had carved his name into a table and felt the curve of the letter press into my palm. i smiled about the private jokes and thought about the secrets that we had both gone on to share with others.
he says that he couldn't have found what he has without me. that our years together have given him a perspective and understanding of what he needs to be in order to honour another.
he quotes emerson to me...
" The greatest homage we can pay to truth is to use it." then he goes on to say that what i've given him in my patience and my love and my friendship is the chance to use that truth for love. he doesn't need to mention that the love... the one he's using my truth to build and nurture is with another girl... one is apparently perfect and nice and i'll "think she's great".... he doesn't need to. there are still things that we know about each other without saying them.
he used to read emerson aloud to me and then quote it to me when we were saying goodbye or goodnight. once when we first met and we were deciding what we would be to each other i bought him a book of writings by emerson on nature. i had no idea that he already had the same book and it was one of his most treasured possessions. he unwrapped it from it's brown paper cover and his face lit up. he smiled fully right into my heart and then set it down so gently that it seemed as if it were glass. we just sat so still for a few seconds both looking at the cover and then he said quietly... i think you might be the most amazing person i've ever met.
and now here we are. he probably quotes emerson to the new girl. great. just fucking great. he tells me how much he loves me. he tells me how much he is grateful and how over the next few weeks he may need me - just in case they have problems or issues can i please talk him off the ledge.... after all he thinks she may be the one. of course i say. i'm always here. i'll always answer the phone night or day and give you anything you want. ugh. really i say these things and tell him his happiness is my happiness. that if he loves her i will love her. part of it is true and part is lies because i'm too chicken shit to say what i really think. i don't know which part is which.
here is the thing about love lost... here is the thing about loving a distant shadow of someone. you cannot force them to still be the old loved version of themselves. you cannot force them to fully fit into what used to be anymore than you are what you used to be. you simply go forward without thinking because it's what people do. you quote emerson to others and you remember fondly. you treasure the lost moments but let them pass you like old correspondence blowing haphazardly down a highway.... you pass them at 70 and wonder who would dare leave something so precious where it could be destroyed.
the only thing i can say at the closing is fiona apple - paper bag is the song i'm listening to right now and this quote is the one i can't get out of my tired head.
" Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. Nothing can bring you peace but the triumph of principles." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
once we fell in love in connecticut during a cold winter that kept us moving from the side of a fire to blankets on the couch to glasses of jameson or wine to a bed where we found each other for the first time. we created hope and silly little jokes only we could understand and told each other secrets in the cold night that we hadn't revealed to most people. once we spent two days in new orleans. we made love in a hotel bed tangled in each other. laughing about private jokes and our secrets. once we spent a days in north carolina hiding from cool air and enjoying the fresh air of the balcony as it silently stood above the river. we had sex there in a more purposeful and needy way. we used the intimacy to cover what doubts and uncertainties we held between us. we laughed about the old private jokes and the secrets that were so long past they no longer held weight. once after we were finished i fished our love out of the dark green murky ocean in alaska on the back deck of a bar everyone loves. i touched where he had carved his name into a table and felt the curve of the letter press into my palm. i smiled about the private jokes and thought about the secrets that we had both gone on to share with others.
he says that he couldn't have found what he has without me. that our years together have given him a perspective and understanding of what he needs to be in order to honour another.
he quotes emerson to me...
" The greatest homage we can pay to truth is to use it." then he goes on to say that what i've given him in my patience and my love and my friendship is the chance to use that truth for love. he doesn't need to mention that the love... the one he's using my truth to build and nurture is with another girl... one is apparently perfect and nice and i'll "think she's great".... he doesn't need to. there are still things that we know about each other without saying them.
he used to read emerson aloud to me and then quote it to me when we were saying goodbye or goodnight. once when we first met and we were deciding what we would be to each other i bought him a book of writings by emerson on nature. i had no idea that he already had the same book and it was one of his most treasured possessions. he unwrapped it from it's brown paper cover and his face lit up. he smiled fully right into my heart and then set it down so gently that it seemed as if it were glass. we just sat so still for a few seconds both looking at the cover and then he said quietly... i think you might be the most amazing person i've ever met.
and now here we are. he probably quotes emerson to the new girl. great. just fucking great. he tells me how much he loves me. he tells me how much he is grateful and how over the next few weeks he may need me - just in case they have problems or issues can i please talk him off the ledge.... after all he thinks she may be the one. of course i say. i'm always here. i'll always answer the phone night or day and give you anything you want. ugh. really i say these things and tell him his happiness is my happiness. that if he loves her i will love her. part of it is true and part is lies because i'm too chicken shit to say what i really think. i don't know which part is which.
here is the thing about love lost... here is the thing about loving a distant shadow of someone. you cannot force them to still be the old loved version of themselves. you cannot force them to fully fit into what used to be anymore than you are what you used to be. you simply go forward without thinking because it's what people do. you quote emerson to others and you remember fondly. you treasure the lost moments but let them pass you like old correspondence blowing haphazardly down a highway.... you pass them at 70 and wonder who would dare leave something so precious where it could be destroyed.
the only thing i can say at the closing is fiona apple - paper bag is the song i'm listening to right now and this quote is the one i can't get out of my tired head.
" Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. Nothing can bring you peace but the triumph of principles." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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