physics is reality

or perhaps it isn't but i realized today that fixing your life... like really fixing it and making it the life you want to live can be solved like a physics problem. it's all about force, motion, gravity, velocity, acceleration, position and the ever important delta.

oh delta. the change in something. your final position minus your initial position is your delta... the actual amount that you have grown, moved, lived, thought or realized. we all need a little delta in our lives.

you can always figure out your relative ratio to the past by using the law of sines or cosines. you can always know what you velocity is, what direction you are headed and you know the force of gravity in your life.

i have to remind myself that things don't always work out in physics problems and in real life. more importantly sometimes it's not even about getting the right answer... it's about what you learn while you're busy getting shit all wrong. sometimes we get answers that surprise us, sometimes there is more than one answer, and most of all it's important to remember that it's okay to define the positive direction of your own personal coordinate system.

most importantly it's okay to look at a problem and know when you're done with the "physics" part and the rest of the answer is just the math that goes along with it... i should apply that more frequently in my own life... why am i continuing to pursue the solution to a finite end when at some point i can step back and know that i've achieved the growth and understanding that the problem was meant to teach me.

what am i here for anyway? to be right or to understand myself, grow in every way and to be the best version of myself that i can be? most days the answer is the latter.... some days i still fail and go for being right... luckily i know how to learn from those days.

luckily i know how big my personal delta is these days, i know what is the positive direction for myself, i know how to define the magnitude of vectors and i am ever respectful of gravity and i'm increasingly wary of trying to just "get to the right answer".... even i'm a little proud.

isn't it just simply...

isn't it just simply amazing that we can bend and move and change and withstand many things and then the simplest things... the small breeches in the barrier of trust seem as if they are going to be the things that break our hearts completely?

go here to hear what i'm listening to:

only love can break your heart
go your own way

(thanks to cover lay down for the soundtrack)

i realized today that two things are true:
1. getting your feelings hurt, trust broken, losing friendship... all those things hurt and initially it stings so much that it feels like there is no bridging the gap in what is "past" or before and what is "future" or after.
2. those things are actually good. once you pick yourself up from what gravity has done and started to assess the damages to your system... you realize that the hurt means you are breathing, interacting, and being vulnerable.

vulnerable is good. growing is good. sometimes even pain is good.

the perspective that comes from vulnerability, growth and pain is even better. not just as good as... it's better. teaching ourselves about life and the life we want by being open to life is difficult but it's what gets us to where we want to go.

thanks for taking this part of the journey with me... for teaching me perspective through pain. i'm still angry and still don't want to be open to learning this lesson again... but at least i can be grateful and happy that i've learned it. good things came of it... i learned to say no and i learned to have a conflict in which i stood up for myself. funny how the worst can bring out the best in people.

my postcard from today...

The best way is not to fight it, just go. Don't be trying all the time to fix things. What you run from only stays with you longer. When you fight something, you only make it stronger.

Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters, 1999

here is my postcard for today from the edge of where i am... into the night... which is black and empty.

we cannot always provide others with what they want us to give them. sometimes when someone says 'I'm sorry' to you it's okay to say 'I don't care' back... simply because it's not your problem. it's only your problem to figure out how you feel about it and to get on with your life. sometimes sorry isn't enough and never will be... those moments in which forgiveness need not apply are moments that define us and it makes us stronger.

cupcakes... and g.i. joe

so now i know...
and knowing is half the battle...

craigslist strikes again

CONFUSED AND BORED - m4w - 39

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maybe if you could have kept your legs closed we would still be together. but you couldn't because you are the brainless slut not the other girls I go too.

i swear its the last time - w4m - 28 (phx)

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i like dropping you a line once in awhile … you know, just to check in. besides, thinking about your face makes me smile.

but, i won’t be doing that anymore. you see, no matter how hard i try, i can’t maintain any boundary with you. i wish i could. but boundaries have proven to be somewhat of a challenge for me, and for you. i would love it if we could continue to be friends - the kind of friends we were before all this awkward weirdness happened - but, it seems that isn’t possible.

today, your words echo in my ears; your touch lingers on my skin. i can almost feel your hand on my side. i love looking into your eyes. i love it when you’re a little silly and i can almost see your soul.

when i think back over the last handful of years i know i am losing so much. years ago, when i knew of you, i used to wonder about you. when i got to know you, i felt connected to you . i thought of you often. your heart was so weak, so broken, so abused. i wanted to show you how to trust again. i always wanted you to be happy. sometimes i thought i could make you happy. my intentions were so pure, so honest. but then we muddied the waters. we took chances and disregarded boundaries. because of this, sometimes i wish you had never known me.

you should know that you made me feel special. you made me feel pretty. you made me feel sexy. but now i all feel is used. when you weave your way back in (and you always do), i feel a little less used – but i always know that feeling will be fleeting.

so here we are. you over there, and me right here. and that’s the way we have to stay.

i wish this fate was different, but everything has become so clear. you were meant to be part of me, if only for a short time. to teach me something, to lead me to what i wouldn’t allow myself to find alone.

today, my heart is breaking. i owe so much to you, and i’m losing you. this could have been different if i simply did what i knew was right with me. sure, i branched out. i took a chance; tried something new. and now i have to accept the consequence. i get to live with my sin.

with true sincerity, thank you. thank you for everything … the good, the bad, and everything in between. i will never forget the brand you made on my heart. i will always be grateful to you. i can only hope you gained as much from this as i. goodbye, sweet, sweet boy, goodbye.

This should have been us - m4w (No where special)

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I used to look forward to today. At times it never was easy to do something truly special, but we always remembered our special day. Now I tend to forget about it the weeks and days leading up to today. Then, somehow, I'm reminded of it. As time goes on, I doubt I'll think so much about it. Maybe someday this day will come and go without a thought of it? In a way I think that I'd like that. I don't want to remember us anymore. Just the same, I hope that I never forget this day - the day that my life certainly had meaning; I had finally done something right and I was fully aware of it. I was so nervous when we got married, however I knew that it was the best day of my life! They say life goes on. Right now I'm slowly starting to experience this "life goes on". So now I just sit here trying to figure out what I want to do with my new life and nothing comes to mind. I wake up everyday, however I'm not really living, just existing. It was hard to in the beginning, but somehow I managed. I know this cause I'm here today. I wouldn't say that I'm not happy. I think I'm doing alright - better than before. I guess as time goes on, you go along with it. Certain familiar things become part of your past and you no longer are reminded. You start to do things differently. After awhile old habits or old routines become slightly different based on the absence of your old life. I've had plenty of time to adjust to this new empty life, however it hasn't been easy. The loneliness and yearing for you have made it difficult, but I'm learning to let go. There have been times where I didn't even think of you. I would feel guilty when I realized that I hadn't thought about you. I was told that it's alright not to remember. It means I'm moving on with my life and that's a good thing. Lately I've been having dreams about us. In the dreams I'm so completely happy and I'm fully aware of this. I look at you and think, my beautiful little wife! We seem so happy an in love. Yet when I wake, the sad reality sets in - you're gone. And it was just a dream. Maybe we're connecting like we use to? It aways amazed me how we knew each other's thoughts or how you would be thinking something and call me about it and i was thinking the same thing - totally random stuff that wasn't even really part of our daily lives or conversations( like me wanting a kitty and i called you about it and it just so happened that you found one and you were going to call me about her and we had never discussed getting a pet. ) I miss you so much. I miss talking to you. I miss seeing you. I miss being around you. I miss everything about you. I love you so much. I will always love you. Happy Anniversary! May you be at peace.