i'd love to write something witty and charming and funny. the problem is that these days i don't feel very... charming, witty or funny.... i don't feel like much of anything. i'm at my parents house in wisconsin waiting to go on with my life. i'm dealing with life... life it turns out is always somewhat difficult and annoying. my dad is sick... cancer they say... we don't really talk about it around here. it's sort of the the elephant in the room. i suppose it's me that doesn't really talk about it. it's overwhelming. i'm whelmed. i'm frustrated. i'm afraid. i don't really have anyone to talk to. i don't really have many friends..... the usual suspects, one from each town i've lived in in the past 10 years. but how much can each of them listen to? i don't really have anything to say... i've spent the past two days in bed most of the day reading. i feel sort of like crying. i want to leave here and go somewhere else... anywhere. i'm good at that sort of thing.... running away from commitment, feelings, emotions.
i wish i was still in alaska.
17 October 2007
11 October 2007
strep throat
strep throat. that's what the urgent care doctor says... strep throat. one shot of antibiotics, $250.00 and a prescription later i have been given strict instructions not to travel and to come back in a day for a check up. since i don't have tonsils (because i used to get strep throat so bad and so frequently) apparently it can travel into my lungs, stomach and etc etc. so i'm back on the road... i'll cancel the appointment from south dakota.
i love road trips but i'm hating life right now. i totally give up. it's absolutely frightening to be thousands of miles from anyone i know and the only thing i can do is keep driving. i can't eat and i can barely talk. i hate my ipod... it crashed this morning and i can't seem to fix it.
i'm frustrated. i'm overwhelmed. i'm giving up.
i love road trips but i'm hating life right now. i totally give up. it's absolutely frightening to be thousands of miles from anyone i know and the only thing i can do is keep driving. i can't eat and i can barely talk. i hate my ipod... it crashed this morning and i can't seem to fix it.
i'm frustrated. i'm overwhelmed. i'm giving up.
10 October 2007
montana to wyoming
apparently dinosaurs used to live in montana... or at least that's what i figured out today when i stopped 250 miles into my trip at a small museum. i was feeling kinda weird and dinosaurs are kinda weird so why not take a break there? i have some kind of killer cold / flu thing goin on and i can't eat. it hurts when i swallow. my chest hurts when i breathe. after my break today i started to feel worse... hot, cold, clammy, dizzy. so finally i pulled over and fished out my thermometer... yep fever = 101. so i'm in sheridan wyoming 500 miles from where i started this morning and i'm sick as a dog. sleeping in a wal-mart parking lot cuz i just can't even fathom having to camp tonight. plus there is free internet... i'm not saying shop there... i'm just saying when a girl is sick it's not a bad place to be. tomorrow - sick or not crazy horse national monument and then on.
09 October 2007
oh oh oh missoula
there i am waiting for anneke to get off work and catching up on some reading... some suggested and then newly purchased richard bach. i'm in a bar and so i should have expected what would come next... i should have known.
there he is. the man women move to montana to date / sleep with / marry / make pancakes and music with... he's there and he's talking to me. eyes lined from smiling and time spent outside. beard and hair a little long and curly and somewhat dirty and messy but oh oh oh.... and he's talking more and smiling. those lines are deeper and there are more when he laughs. i glance down and one of his pant legs is still rolled up from riding a bike.... oh oh oh. then it happens without warning... he says "can i buy you a drink?" and i'm looking right at him. i want to say yes. i want to take whatever it is he's going to give me (not like an STD but you KNOW what i mean). instead i say no. i say no and he seems sort of confused and then i say you can buy me .... (10 second pause) a soda? i end anti-climatically. it's clear he doesn't want to buy me a soda. i want to explain that i'm a jameson and ginger girl. a girl HAS to have standards and irish whiskey in a pint glass that i can drink one after another is my standard. i want to explain that i used to drink but it's awkward and he's looking at me with a question in those eyes. i simply say... "i don't drink" and he gets that glazed over look... the disinterested one. i almost relent... i'm seconds away from falling off the wagon... gimme a big drink, a pack of smokes and a huge dose of irresponsible. i want so much to avoid reality. i want to avoid being a grown up. i want to avoid everything i'm facing. instead i smile and try to make small talk but instead he says that if i change my mind he'll be at the bar and turns and leaves.
see, the thing is that i already HAVE changed my mind. thats how we got here. this is my mind. i still want to change it back... did i mention that he has an amazing butt as he walks away? oh oh oh.... there goes the first bad choice i didn't make. there goes the last of my old life and old self. at least it looked fabulous as i watched it leave...
there he is. the man women move to montana to date / sleep with / marry / make pancakes and music with... he's there and he's talking to me. eyes lined from smiling and time spent outside. beard and hair a little long and curly and somewhat dirty and messy but oh oh oh.... and he's talking more and smiling. those lines are deeper and there are more when he laughs. i glance down and one of his pant legs is still rolled up from riding a bike.... oh oh oh. then it happens without warning... he says "can i buy you a drink?" and i'm looking right at him. i want to say yes. i want to take whatever it is he's going to give me (not like an STD but you KNOW what i mean). instead i say no. i say no and he seems sort of confused and then i say you can buy me .... (10 second pause) a soda? i end anti-climatically. it's clear he doesn't want to buy me a soda. i want to explain that i'm a jameson and ginger girl. a girl HAS to have standards and irish whiskey in a pint glass that i can drink one after another is my standard. i want to explain that i used to drink but it's awkward and he's looking at me with a question in those eyes. i simply say... "i don't drink" and he gets that glazed over look... the disinterested one. i almost relent... i'm seconds away from falling off the wagon... gimme a big drink, a pack of smokes and a huge dose of irresponsible. i want so much to avoid reality. i want to avoid being a grown up. i want to avoid everything i'm facing. instead i smile and try to make small talk but instead he says that if i change my mind he'll be at the bar and turns and leaves.
see, the thing is that i already HAVE changed my mind. thats how we got here. this is my mind. i still want to change it back... did i mention that he has an amazing butt as he walks away? oh oh oh.... there goes the first bad choice i didn't make. there goes the last of my old life and old self. at least it looked fabulous as i watched it leave...
coming home full circle
i am still on the road... driving... arriving... processing... falling into myself and the person that i believe i can be. it is a flow and ebb like going over hills and then falling with gravity into the dip before the next hill. i am not afraid nor am i overwhelmed. quiet, certain, resolute and calm. i expected that yesterday i would have a twinge of emotion or a feeling of sadness about what i left behind but it was absent. i had prayed and gotten my answer. sometimes we love people and they don't love us back in the same way. that's okay. it's great in fact.... it's an opportunity to be unselfish. friendships are better and stronger based in love. there is no envy or anger at not being "chosen" and for once is absent that feeling of being judged or falling short. i am absolute confident in my value, my qualities, my blessings and my beauty.
after the drive and the crest of the mountains in the evening i arrived home. i can only explain missoula as home. i can only say that it is here that i want to be with my whole being and i had forgotten that about myself. i had discarded the idea of living here... perhaps because i was afraid of committing to being me. i had to go to alaska instead and start the changes. it's terrifying to love a place so much that i don't want to leave... i literally don't want to leave. i want to unpack my things. i want to wake up here everyday. it is the place of pancakes and music. it is the place. which is odd to hear from a girl who has never had a home and has never felt home in her whole life. just to give you an idea - it's built on a river. it's beautifully arranged at the base of mountains and shines in warm open sunlight that warms your face as you smell the crisp clean air. it's small town meets all the goodness of a city. it has two or three used book shops. it has a progressive wildlife biology program that i am in LOVE with. the main mode of transport is bicycle. there are bike racks on the sidewalks right next to water dishes for dogs. the dogs sit without leashes next to bikes and wait unhurriedly for owners to reappear from whatever task they have started. outside the coffee shop i'm at right now there are no less than 30 bikes. it is a place that is unprocessed. it is the opposite of phoenix. it is what i thought alaska would be like. i am at a loss for what i'll do now that i remember myself here. i simply don't want to leave. i don't want to leave. i always want to leave - move forward - find the next adventure. i finally want to stay.
anneke and i sat and talked from when i arrived last night until early this morning. we talked and talked and finally i found that i could cry about all the small things that had been bothering me and building up inside. not cry out of frustration or out of panic or fear. cry the long sobs and big tears that expressed my grief. i was allowed to mourn... i was given permission to grieve. and we laughed. and we talked of her sadnesses and we talked of the future. i remembered myself and how i got here and then i realized that those things are no longer necessary. i don't need to overprocess it. my life is what it is. and i am grateful for it. i am eternally completely grateful.
sometimes these are the ways that our paths twist and turn like autumn leaves in the wind that is change. so let change blow and let my life twist and then turn back onto itself. i know my north. i know where my star is and how to navigate forward without asking for directions.
after the drive and the crest of the mountains in the evening i arrived home. i can only explain missoula as home. i can only say that it is here that i want to be with my whole being and i had forgotten that about myself. i had discarded the idea of living here... perhaps because i was afraid of committing to being me. i had to go to alaska instead and start the changes. it's terrifying to love a place so much that i don't want to leave... i literally don't want to leave. i want to unpack my things. i want to wake up here everyday. it is the place of pancakes and music. it is the place. which is odd to hear from a girl who has never had a home and has never felt home in her whole life. just to give you an idea - it's built on a river. it's beautifully arranged at the base of mountains and shines in warm open sunlight that warms your face as you smell the crisp clean air. it's small town meets all the goodness of a city. it has two or three used book shops. it has a progressive wildlife biology program that i am in LOVE with. the main mode of transport is bicycle. there are bike racks on the sidewalks right next to water dishes for dogs. the dogs sit without leashes next to bikes and wait unhurriedly for owners to reappear from whatever task they have started. outside the coffee shop i'm at right now there are no less than 30 bikes. it is a place that is unprocessed. it is the opposite of phoenix. it is what i thought alaska would be like. i am at a loss for what i'll do now that i remember myself here. i simply don't want to leave. i don't want to leave. i always want to leave - move forward - find the next adventure. i finally want to stay.
anneke and i sat and talked from when i arrived last night until early this morning. we talked and talked and finally i found that i could cry about all the small things that had been bothering me and building up inside. not cry out of frustration or out of panic or fear. cry the long sobs and big tears that expressed my grief. i was allowed to mourn... i was given permission to grieve. and we laughed. and we talked of her sadnesses and we talked of the future. i remembered myself and how i got here and then i realized that those things are no longer necessary. i don't need to overprocess it. my life is what it is. and i am grateful for it. i am eternally completely grateful.
sometimes these are the ways that our paths twist and turn like autumn leaves in the wind that is change. so let change blow and let my life twist and then turn back onto itself. i know my north. i know where my star is and how to navigate forward without asking for directions.
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