move it along

"sometimes i think its a sin when i feel like im winnin when im losin again" - gordon lightfoot
" and i went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb, looking for a little hope" - fiona apple

sometimes beneath all the truths is the kernel of absolute truth. sometimes there are opposites that are completely valid. sometimes i think i am just the same version of myself stretched thin between all the points of reference that i have created and that in being all things to all people i am changed. the same and changed. i am both things all at once. i am nothing and something wrapped up in a fucking wreck. seriously.... nothin' to see here folks. move it on along. keep it moving. nothin' to see here. just head on your way.

tonight as i tried to fall asleep i imagined that all my life i have been watching the outline of trees against the sky, building, the ground, windows and various bodies of water. viewing the way the jagged jutted limbs catch light and cast shadows onto whatever is next to them. how the shadow or the outline dances ever so slightly as i breathe. how the branches look like lace if i catch them in my periphery... if i stand so still and watch the light filter down and don't breathe then i can almost see the magic of the earth. the magic of life. the simplest and most complete process that there is.... breathing, drinking and being nourished by the earth. i fucking long to sleep in a tree house like i did when i was a child. i wish that i could feel the big branches that are covered in bruised and darkened yellow leaves touch the palm of my hand right in the middle where it tickles just enough to make me want to rub it on my pant leg and then rub my fingers against the spot and then do it all over again.

perhaps i am simply one sundown or one sunup from understanding what it is that life is about. really thats all that keeps me here. really it's all that makes me believe that moving forward has a purpose. understanding. some fucking clarity. some sharp distinction between what should be and what should not be. justice. black and white. the moment in the movie right before the credits where everything becomes clear and everyone is left smiling .... or dead... whichever. i'm not picky.

have i mentioned that i haven't slept a whole night in a few days? have i mentioned that i feel very distinctly the sensation that i will fucking break? perhaps other people don't worry about it but it's whenever i find that i am lonely or afraid or just close enough to the edge – the edge where i’m absolutely certain that this is the time that i’ve gone too far, pushed too far and i’m certain that i'm going to fall apart from the sheer fucking force of my own uncertainty and failure closing in at my heels. but it hasn't happened yet... but it seems that this time may be the time.

what the fuck do i know right? someone once told me that i over think everything. they're right. it's one of my good qualities...

sometimes

sometimes in my head i pretend that my life is completely different. sometimes its the recent decisions that have changed. sometimes its old decisions that have changed. mostly i pretend that i am somehow different. i'm changed in a way that alters my whole life and the people in it.

sometimes i pretend that my relationship with my parents was different. especially now. especially now that everything is changing so quickly that i can't seem to get a grip on even one of the corners of the polaroid moments that go sailing by. click. cancer. click. friends are distant. click. home is different. click. we still aren't close. click. things that are unresolved still sit larger than life in our living room. click. click. click. sometimes i pretend that there is a nice memory in there and then the clicking of the past, all the old memories click by, and i know there isn't.

i wish i could be brutally honest with one person about how i feel. i wish i could tell one single solitary person what exactly is in my head. i wish that the clicking would stop just long enough for me to get a full breath - repetitive sound drives me nuts. i wish i was still in connecticut... losing myself in others and in all the old habits. i wish that i was still in alaska sitting by water. i wish i could just stop the movement and turning of the world just long enough to be able to sort it all out. all of it out. maybe just some small things.

pictures are up of this past weekend just go here.

top ten movies meet depression

favourite movies?

(not in order)

1. armageddon - scariest environment possible.. that's all you had to say... scariest environment possible
2. proof - gwyneth paltrow, anthony hopkins and mathematics
3. elizabeth - cate blanchett and amazing historical accuracy + costumes
4. bandits - bruce willis, billy bob thornton, cate blanchett plus funny funny lines
5. fight club - i won't even bother to explain
6. high fidelity - john cusack and great great music
7. amelie - french and amazing
8. the affair of the necklace - hillary swank and intrigue and political commentary
9. braveheart - i love you, i always have, i want to marry you
10. last of the mohicans - can't even begin to explain.....

watching proof for the second time. missing connecticut. crying. laying in bed. can't say it's the bottom of the barrel but i will say that i'm close.

dad has next surgery next tuesday. people can live without a lung right? what about that liver? what about a kidney? what about a good heart? it's not looking up...

sometimes i have a hard time really saying what i mean

sometimes i have a hard time being direct and saying what i really really mean.

so here goes an attempt.

to you. because you should know who you are. i'm really hurt by the newest development in our friendship in which you without talking to me or telling me why have sort of disappeared. i realize things have been sort of hairy lately - with my transition and with my dad being diagnosed with cancer and all - but i really needed your perspective and your support. i asked and you said that we're fine and that nothing has changed but i haven't heard from you in almost two weeks. thats really weird since we used to talk almost everyday. what i really think is that you're busy and you don't want to deal and that you have other things on your plate and blah blah blah. well great. fucking man up. tell me. don't just stop being my friend while i am struggling to keep it all in perspective... i can always handle the truth. friends don't lie to friends. friends aren't passive aggressive to friends.

just so you know... things are good. and even if they weren't i'd never let you know.

five days backwards in time to a period that makes sense....

5 days in connecticut and i feel like i have gone back in time. i feel refreshed and quieted. ready for the things that must come next. in all fairness i may feel that way but i look like absolute shit. i look like i've been drinking, sitting by a campfire, smoking like it's going out of style and not showering... and i have. sleeping 4 hours a night to wake up the next morning to make breakfast as a segway into the next day's drinking. watching movies we've all seen a hundred times and telling stories that we all know the ending to... going to the shooting range and drinking scotch in the truck instead of going inside. making friends with an old adversary and then deciding that we have so much in common we should seal the deal by getting way too drunk together in the afternoon. i can't tell you how i've missed my old self. hello old friend.... hello to being one of the boys again. i missed it. i missed everything about it.

moving all the time may seem glamorous but i can say after one weekend at home - and that's what the chester house and connecticut are - that i am lonely sometimes out there without a hand to hold or a face that knows my own. i suppose that these are the things that we struggle with... i suppose the adventure portion of my life justifies the rest of it. i suppose that meeting new friends and finding myself in new ways is just as fulfilling and should make me just as happy but it doesn't. thats just it. it doesn't. sitting in the airport and getting ready to go home i realize that i don't want to leave. i don't want to move forward. i don't want more change. i am tired and i love my life here. i love having people that aren't judgmental. i love knowing that the sum of me is more than the parts. the rest is so so so hard to accomplish when i'm so tired. i'm so tired these days. i seem to not be able to hold up the world that is required of me. it seems that even when i am the best version of myself that the sheer straight up climb required to get to the next step is so high i can't seem to pull myself up. i'm tired of fake friends. i'm tired of people that are unpredictable and uncertain. i'm tired of being friends one minute and then without warning everything is different. i'm not asking for much - predictability and certainty. i just want people that know who they are and don't mind who i am - at the core of me. don't they see that i realize my flaws and all my shit is fucking heavy and sometimes cumbersome? i know what i am, i am not blind nor am i stupid. as my new found friend / former enemy says - we all have our shit. no one is fucking perfect but we can either learn from our mistakes or we can stay the same. so nice to hear someone just admit that they aren't perfect - they aren't striving to be perfect. just taking it one day at a time and doing the best they can because THAT my friends is what people do. they just do the best they can... and for now... so do i....