i don't know why but i've always loved this song... and although i am absolutely religiously against karaoke i certainly rock out to this song and would consider singing it... perhaps there is something wrong with me. in all fairness i do currently have a hematoma...
take a listen and marvel at my guilty pleasure and the lyrics that say: "it sure ain't christian to judge a stranger, but i don't like her. she may an angel that spends all winter bringin' the homeless blankets and dinner, a regular nobel peace prize winner but i really hate her. i'll think of a reason later. inside her head may lay all the answers for curin' diseases from baldness to cancer. the salt of the earth and a real fine dancer.. but i really hate her."
15 January 2008
you know how i get
so i found something new this morning... well actually it came to me but that's not the point the point is that i LOVE LOVE LOVE this song... 'is it love' by Nick Rallis and i've tried like hell to find the mpeg or mp3 or some streaming version of it to post here but no such luck so unfortunately you will all have to click through to his page and listen there.
that's your homework today... just go do it... you're going to be happy you did and when was the last time that i had a new absolutely favourite song that i loved? okay, well there was that thing with the great lake swimmers and the song your rocky spine but in fairness they are canadian and he says glacier weird which i kinda have a thing for. but that's not the point the point is that i have a new love now and it's the 'is it love' song and you should love it too... because dammit that's what friends do!
go here right now: Nick Rallis on myspace yep just click on the words Nick Rallis and then you'll go there and then you can click on the song and then you'll be happy and i'll be happy and perhaps even Nick will be happy since it is his song after all.
that's your homework today... just go do it... you're going to be happy you did and when was the last time that i had a new absolutely favourite song that i loved? okay, well there was that thing with the great lake swimmers and the song your rocky spine but in fairness they are canadian and he says glacier weird which i kinda have a thing for. but that's not the point the point is that i have a new love now and it's the 'is it love' song and you should love it too... because dammit that's what friends do!
go here right now: Nick Rallis on myspace yep just click on the words Nick Rallis and then you'll go there and then you can click on the song and then you'll be happy and i'll be happy and perhaps even Nick will be happy since it is his song after all.
13 January 2008
tori amos witnesses another crushing defeat of my certainty... luckily her and i have hiked out of this fucking canyon before
for your viewing / reading / listening pleasure. for a long long time i've wanted to take lyrics from tori amos song and makes plates / cups with the words inscribed in circles. i've also thought of painting these lyrics on walls and making framed pictures with just the words cut out of newspaper. the obsession may have gone a little far even for me... and i'm a girl content with my obsessions. the only thing worth mentioning about today is that i had a chance to see my family, a chance to spend time with two of my best friends, lost a hard drive - maxtor 3200 with all my data on it rest in peace, a chance to have a few good phone conversations and then at the end of the day when i should have been preparing for my interviews tomorrow and thinking about how everything in my life is moving forward at a nice steady positive pace i was shot down. i suppose in fairness i have been too happy lately... too content... too certain that my life was on a good path. i was due for a little shit. so i cried. i cried really hard. so it sucked. we all know that this is just how things end some days no matter how awesome the beginning is. luckily i had the piece of mind to put together my tori montage, mmmmm. tori amos and the fucking canyon of crazy / emerson hole of defeat / dragon to slay in my own backyard. i might need an intervention in a few days. more tomorrow.
We've all been Pushed Too far
I guess on days like this
you know who your friends are
And I'm down to Your last cigarette and
this "We are one" crap as you're invading
This thing you call Love
Sure you talk the talk when you need to
She's afraid of the light in the dark
6:58 are you sure where my spark is
She's convinced she could hold back a glacier
But she couldn't keep Baby alive
Doubting if there's a woman in there somewhere
Yes my loyalties turned
These precious things
Let them bleed
Let them wash away
These precious things
Let them break their hold over me
I wanna smash the faces
Of those beautiful boys
Those christian boys
So you can make me cum
That doesnt make you jesus
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent All These Years
Years go by
Will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by
Will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we're too easy Easy Easy
I hear a voice you must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I cant always be around
He says when you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
12 January 2008
a date to date
so i have a date. yes. a date. he's a boy i met at the gym. it's for tomorrow during the colts game. he's rooting for san diego. i figure i'm safe from making out cuz who could really respect and make out with any boy who likes the san diego chargers. it's strange to date. it's strange to have a date. it's strange to begin again with someone new who doesn't know all the old things about me. it's strange to feel as if i'm betraying the past and the old people by taking a risk on someone new. how do i honour what has already happened and still put all my energy into something new. how do i explain where everyone comes in and how they got here? how do i speak with respect, love and honour about all that have come before him when it's hard to respect, love and honour those that didn't offer that courtesy to me?
i'm tired of saying that they were all nice and that it was just bad timing. i'm tired of making excuses. i don't really want to start a new relationship with all those old layers of betrayal and deceit. perhaps this will be the first time i don't make the excuses. perhaps this will be the first time that i speak honestly about all that came before and why it is that they aren't here today... perhaps i'll leave behind the old words that avoid confrontation and speak frankly. perhaps we won't discuss it at all. perhaps i'll leave out all the boys that have failed before and just meet him at his place and watch the game and have a great time... perhaps for the first time in my life it doesn't fucking matter who or what came first. they've all became somewhat funny cautionary tales....
the boy that never ever wanted a commitment
the boy that thought i wasn't good enough
the boy that wanted me to be someone else
the boy that almost committed to me for a lifetime for lack of another option
the boy that never wanted what we ended up having
the boy that was married and used me because i was young and pretty
the boy that never really gave a shit and just liked the sex
the boy that controlled every move and then cheated because i couldn't be enough
the boy that liked me because i was 19
the boy that loved another girl and dated me because he thought i might put out
that's all of them. sad isn't it? the upside is that they all are in the past. i don't know if you've gotten the memo but i'm amazing and all of that is behind me. i'm not settling this time and i'm not compromising. anyone who has come before this point has had their chance and failed me.
i'm ready. i've had a paradigm shift and 2 weeks at the gym 2 - 3 hours a day. i'm totally ready.
11 January 2008
the end of the hiatus
there was a hiatus. i'd like to pretend that i took a month off to sort out my life and make a new years resolution that changed my life, that i had a total paradigm shift that has absolutely changed my life but in all honesty there was an intervention on the 12th of december about the matchbox 20 thing. loving that song got me thrown into rehab.... while you're puzzling all that out here is the first playlist of the new year for your listening joy.
the truth of the matter is that i moved. i left 'sconsin and made the trek to fahonix. i did what i thought i couldn't do. i braved a snow storm, my feelings of sadness about leaving my parents and worry about taking the next step and i leaped. i took the plunge. and since then it's been good. it's been great. the hills and valleys have all been filled with positive lessons and good things. i have found that i am stronger and more dedicated to myself and my family than i thought i was. just today i sent the text below in an email to a friend and i think it gives a good overview of where i am...
A business in the simplest form creates a product the owners believe in and then they offer it for "sale" on the open market. Sometimes those owners have enough capital to offer investment in other people – employees, partners, tenants and even sometimes enough to cover a few cases of people that can't afford the product at market value (donations or "charity"). The bottom line is that the product must be as efficient and well made as possible to keep the cash flow coming in from the investments. When the product is faulty, the business invests in unworthy people or other properties or offers too many donations the business has to close its doors or go bankrupt.
Over the past 10 years and probably longer than that I've been working my emotional business on a policy of a somewhat damaged and offended product. I haven't gone back to the drawing board and made another product, I've tried to cover up the dings and dents and faults of the product with exterior paint and "patches" like a computer company. My call center often acknowledges that the product has known faults and that for some people will never offer the functionality that they are looking for… it just doesn't work for some people. I've consoled myself and other people by justifying the upside of the product and encouraging people to continue to have faith that eventually the patches and quick fixes will all be completed and the product will be what I've been selling it as all these years.
Before the New Year I had a paradigm shift. What if I abandoned the old product? What if without blame, guilt or anger and WITH love, respect and self esteem I simply created the product I wanted and lived the life I wanted to live? Of course there is the old fear that no one would buy something new but I believed in myself. Once I realized that I know what I want for myself and had that confidence the fear dissolved. It simply ceased to exist…. and I found that it's the first time in a long long time I've been able to live without fear. Now I'm not talking about fantasy here. I'm talking about making a very honest list of what I WANT in my life. How I want it to be and the qualities that I want to have and to have around me and then I decided to have it. I'm worth it after all… it turns out after all this time I've finally decided that I'm worth it.
The next issue was that over the years I've gotten myself into some emotional over-extension and debt. I've made poor investment choices in partners, employees and tenants. I've allowed a lot of people to dip into the emotional bank and take loans against their name or their word and never asked for those emotional stores to be returned. Perhaps because I was always afraid the original product was somewhat defective and perhaps because I didn't really believe I was worth the return. I'm not talking about a list of what people have taken and I have received against their name – John Doe – 1 hour of friendship and caring… returned 15 minute phone call and 1 lunch out in which he listened to my feelings about x, y and z. I'm talking about allowing people to simply not respect, honour and care for me. I'm also not saying I was the victim of embezzlement. I chose those people, those transactions and those events. I made the choices and felt "empty" so to speak. I was always looking for the other store of emotional wealth – God, another person, a way of thinking, a way of living that would allow the deficit to be filled up without changing the product or having the discussion about how I was allowing myself to be treated.
So now we have a new product. It's in the newer stages. I'm proud of the initial results and feel comfortable and confident about the next stages. I have a board of members that I feel very proud and blessed to have in my life. They are a resource of knowledge and love that allows me to be innovative and brave without worrying that I'll become caught up in the marketing hype or deny my own culpability. They keep me honest with myself so to speak.
The last thing which has become the hardest is learning what boundary that I have to set with others. I've finally settled on the following definition: a person that earns respect, honour and love from these emotional stores is a person that is living in respect, honour and love. I decided that metaphorically there are a lot of letters of foreclosure that need to go out. I'm saying this in a way of love and forgiveness – I'm no longer going to be enslaved or indebted to people based on the past. I've created something new and I'm asking the people and parties involved to get on board in a real and true way. It's no longer okay for me to allow people that only talk about living in truth or in honour to receive large loans out of my personal stores. When people aren't living in love and living without reverence and submission to a higher authority or they are living without integrity in many ways they simply aren't living in alignment with the new product and the new vision. My company has in fact decided to go in this new direction… I've downsized I suppose I could say and the immediate benefit of that is that I've felt strongly I have more time to dedicate to Emma, myself and the investments that matter.
i realize it's not a message that everyone will jump on board with. i realize that it's difficult for some people to read from me. unfortunately it is the way things are and it's how i've chosen to run my "business" so to speak from here on out. as micheal jackson so eloquently put it: "i'm starting with the man in the mirror, i'm asking him to change his ways, and no message could have been any clearer, if you want to make the world a better place take a look at yourself and then make a change"
(yeah i know micheal jackson is so 1987. i don't care.... i'm bringing the king of pop back)
the last thing i have to say in this new year post is that there are some people in my life and maybe even some people who read this who may be on the list of things that i'm not doing from this point forward. i'm going to say in a non-judgmental way with total love in my heart: there is no room for you in my life unless you are living in respect, honour and love. i'm not selling myself short for another day. i realize how things were in the past. i take responsibility for the past and now i'm taking responsibility for the future. if you choose not to look at yourself in the mirror and make the changes that is not my choice. i love you and wish you the best with your life...
on that note... happy new year to everyone. the 30 day hiatus will be the only one this year. sorry about the missing in action status for awhile.
the truth of the matter is that i moved. i left 'sconsin and made the trek to fahonix. i did what i thought i couldn't do. i braved a snow storm, my feelings of sadness about leaving my parents and worry about taking the next step and i leaped. i took the plunge. and since then it's been good. it's been great. the hills and valleys have all been filled with positive lessons and good things. i have found that i am stronger and more dedicated to myself and my family than i thought i was. just today i sent the text below in an email to a friend and i think it gives a good overview of where i am...
A business in the simplest form creates a product the owners believe in and then they offer it for "sale" on the open market. Sometimes those owners have enough capital to offer investment in other people – employees, partners, tenants and even sometimes enough to cover a few cases of people that can't afford the product at market value (donations or "charity"). The bottom line is that the product must be as efficient and well made as possible to keep the cash flow coming in from the investments. When the product is faulty, the business invests in unworthy people or other properties or offers too many donations the business has to close its doors or go bankrupt.
Over the past 10 years and probably longer than that I've been working my emotional business on a policy of a somewhat damaged and offended product. I haven't gone back to the drawing board and made another product, I've tried to cover up the dings and dents and faults of the product with exterior paint and "patches" like a computer company. My call center often acknowledges that the product has known faults and that for some people will never offer the functionality that they are looking for… it just doesn't work for some people. I've consoled myself and other people by justifying the upside of the product and encouraging people to continue to have faith that eventually the patches and quick fixes will all be completed and the product will be what I've been selling it as all these years.
Before the New Year I had a paradigm shift. What if I abandoned the old product? What if without blame, guilt or anger and WITH love, respect and self esteem I simply created the product I wanted and lived the life I wanted to live? Of course there is the old fear that no one would buy something new but I believed in myself. Once I realized that I know what I want for myself and had that confidence the fear dissolved. It simply ceased to exist…. and I found that it's the first time in a long long time I've been able to live without fear. Now I'm not talking about fantasy here. I'm talking about making a very honest list of what I WANT in my life. How I want it to be and the qualities that I want to have and to have around me and then I decided to have it. I'm worth it after all… it turns out after all this time I've finally decided that I'm worth it.
The next issue was that over the years I've gotten myself into some emotional over-extension and debt. I've made poor investment choices in partners, employees and tenants. I've allowed a lot of people to dip into the emotional bank and take loans against their name or their word and never asked for those emotional stores to be returned. Perhaps because I was always afraid the original product was somewhat defective and perhaps because I didn't really believe I was worth the return. I'm not talking about a list of what people have taken and I have received against their name – John Doe – 1 hour of friendship and caring… returned 15 minute phone call and 1 lunch out in which he listened to my feelings about x, y and z. I'm talking about allowing people to simply not respect, honour and care for me. I'm also not saying I was the victim of embezzlement. I chose those people, those transactions and those events. I made the choices and felt "empty" so to speak. I was always looking for the other store of emotional wealth – God, another person, a way of thinking, a way of living that would allow the deficit to be filled up without changing the product or having the discussion about how I was allowing myself to be treated.
So now we have a new product. It's in the newer stages. I'm proud of the initial results and feel comfortable and confident about the next stages. I have a board of members that I feel very proud and blessed to have in my life. They are a resource of knowledge and love that allows me to be innovative and brave without worrying that I'll become caught up in the marketing hype or deny my own culpability. They keep me honest with myself so to speak.
The last thing which has become the hardest is learning what boundary that I have to set with others. I've finally settled on the following definition: a person that earns respect, honour and love from these emotional stores is a person that is living in respect, honour and love. I decided that metaphorically there are a lot of letters of foreclosure that need to go out. I'm saying this in a way of love and forgiveness – I'm no longer going to be enslaved or indebted to people based on the past. I've created something new and I'm asking the people and parties involved to get on board in a real and true way. It's no longer okay for me to allow people that only talk about living in truth or in honour to receive large loans out of my personal stores. When people aren't living in love and living without reverence and submission to a higher authority or they are living without integrity in many ways they simply aren't living in alignment with the new product and the new vision. My company has in fact decided to go in this new direction… I've downsized I suppose I could say and the immediate benefit of that is that I've felt strongly I have more time to dedicate to Emma, myself and the investments that matter.
i realize it's not a message that everyone will jump on board with. i realize that it's difficult for some people to read from me. unfortunately it is the way things are and it's how i've chosen to run my "business" so to speak from here on out. as micheal jackson so eloquently put it: "i'm starting with the man in the mirror, i'm asking him to change his ways, and no message could have been any clearer, if you want to make the world a better place take a look at yourself and then make a change"
(yeah i know micheal jackson is so 1987. i don't care.... i'm bringing the king of pop back)
the last thing i have to say in this new year post is that there are some people in my life and maybe even some people who read this who may be on the list of things that i'm not doing from this point forward. i'm going to say in a non-judgmental way with total love in my heart: there is no room for you in my life unless you are living in respect, honour and love. i'm not selling myself short for another day. i realize how things were in the past. i take responsibility for the past and now i'm taking responsibility for the future. if you choose not to look at yourself in the mirror and make the changes that is not my choice. i love you and wish you the best with your life...
on that note... happy new year to everyone. the 30 day hiatus will be the only one this year. sorry about the missing in action status for awhile.
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