phone calls into the valley

lewis & clarke - before it breaks you



there are times when things happen and i have to make an SOS call into the valley. it's strange because 9 times out of 10 the call isn't answered but the ritual of it after so many years makes me feel better. once the call is made and the machine picks up i instantly feel better and then i can usually walk away and make myself some tea, put my feet up and breathe. i can usually debrief myself or field dress whatever wound has become the most recent. sometimes i wonder if the person on the other side of the calls knows that i don't leave a message because i don't have to anymore. i wonder if he knows sometimes sending up the flare is enough to give me the chance to de-escalate on my own. i wonder if he knows that when it's all said and done i credit him with the save, the distress call answering and the feeling of security i get from reaching out to a place of safety.

when i learned to ride a bike i was at my friend dawnielle's house in stillwater, ok. she had already learned and i was excited to be the same as her. i rode the bike up and down the street with her dad holding the back of the seat. up and down. up and down. i wobbled and tottered and steered weird and turned my handle bars at odd angles. getting that coordination memorized isn't easy. in fact it was down right scary and i remember being concentrated, frustrated and excited all at the same time... just knowing that i was on the cusp of something amazing. finally he said let's do it one more time... and so i got set and we started off and when we got to the end of the block he wasn't there... he wasn't next to me. i think i walked the bike back because i couldn't imagine trying to ride without him. when i got close i could see him smiling and he said "you did it" and i said incredulously "i did?" and i had.

sometimes we all need a safety net... whether we fall or not... and sometimes we need to believe that others are the ones responsible for our safety because the idea that if you looked down or recognized how far you had gotten out of your safety zone then you might fall flat on your face out of the old fears and anxieties.

today i needed to make the call into the valley, and without worrying about what i would say or how i would explain or having something planned out i just called. i heard the machine pick up and then without leaving a message i hung up the phone and made myself tea. i don't think things are fixed but i know they are better than they were before... and even a small improvement is better than nothing.

the mulligan

from wikipedia: A mulligan, in a game, happens when a player gets a second chance to perform a certain move or action. The term has found a broader acceptance in both general speech and other games, meaning any minor blunder which is allowed to pass unnoticed or without consequence. In both senses, it is implied that a mulligan is forgiven because it was either made by a rank beginner, or it is unusual and not indicative of the level of play or conduct expected of the person who made the mulligan. The word can also be used in instances outside of sports, in real-life situations. For example, it has been used commonly in relationships where a person messes up the relationship the first time around, then regrets the screw up, and wishes for a mulligan having realized how ridiculous the initial action was.

now... the important thing here is that life doesn't give many mulligans. it's just not the same as being forgiving. it relies heavily on the understanding that whatever happened was "unusual and not indicative of the level...(of)... conduct expected of the person". now in my life i am willing to be forgiving and to forgive and forget. that blanket forgiveness presupposes a few important things:

1. the person isn't simply an ass
2. the person has a redeeming quality beyond being an ass if they happen to be
3. that growth, change, respect, honour and integrity are possible in the relationship
4. that the person understands the value of the opportunity they have been given

based upon this little diatribe and this logical example i am choosing that in this game... the game we refer to as my life... that right now we're handing out mulligans. we simply aren't.

sorry. i know that's hard to hear, understand and accept. i understand the difficulty that comes from being asked to stand by actions and words that were thrown around without much thought. tough luck. this is what it has come down to. this is where we've gotten.

and i haven't arrived here in anger, fear or frustration. i've arrived here in honesty and self respect. i've decided what it is that i'm capable of putting up with and what i'm not. from where i sit right now the simple truth of the matter is that acting out like a child and then requesting a "do over" or a mulligan simply doesn't work. i don't have the energy and i don't have the patience or the understanding. i don't have the time or the mental capacity.

i know that this may come as a big shock... i know it may be uncomfortable and for that i am truly sorry. i feel badly. i really do. maybe after i've recovered from the blow of the irresponsible actions and the false things that were said about me i'll be able to let it go. right now i'm not able. i don't really know what else to say. except that attempts to provoke a reaction from me like the idiotic one today are laughable. i seriously laughed. if that's what is going to happen because i won't give you what you want - that you act like a petulant child then i think my decision is a great one. you're just giving me validation and affirmation and i thank you for challenging me enough to stand up for myself and stop being such a damn push over.

learning isn't easy. i don't ever expect that i'm going to be perfect. all i'm hoping for is that every night between now and my last one i am able to sleep as soundly as i will tonight. that perfect sleep that only comes with a clear conscience and a heart beating softly in the chest cavity to the rhythm of self respect.

clarifications, intentions and allegory

grace potter and the nocturnals - apologies



i find in life that i am often confused about what people's intentions and what the social ramifications are of asking someone point blank: what is it that you intended with that statement / action / attitude?

i'm not being difficult i really don't understand what people are trying to communicate to me. i find that often times my experience is that people seem to have a very bizarre way of making their feelings / wants / thoughts known. they seem to allude to things, be very passive aggressive and say things like "if you want to" when they really mean that THEY want to. they seem to suggest and hint and avoid articulation of anything having to do with logic or clearly expressing what is really going on.

as a result of this they seem to infringe upon my boundaries and my go way beyond my personal comfort level. i'm not saying i'm right, i'm simply saying that in this little square of the world it's the way shit goes down and if i don't get it or i'm uncomfortable or on edge i'm not the best version of myself... in fact i can be down right cranky.

there are a couple of things that are myths about me: that i'm difficult, that i'm outgoing, that i'm purposely didactic about scenarios, feelings and situations. it turns out that 95% of the time i am easy going and easy to get along with - in fact i have very few opinions about day to day things. i do have a list of things that i don't like - people taking liberties with my boundaries, people pushing / bullying / manipulating me, people not listening to what i'm communicating and there is one thing i hate more than anything - being invalidated purposely... you the oh so nice reader might wonder here what i'm talking about so i'm going to break it down to a more basic level.... if you say things like "it's not a big deal" / "don't worry about it" / "don't overthink it" / "i don't think that it a big deal" / "i don't think it's like that" when i've expressed that it's important to me or beyond my comfort level or that something is making me angry. yes, those innocuous phrases that people throw around like bad beer commercial quotes... yes, those simple phrases that are meant to lighten things up or avoid the point. they are invalidating and hurtful and upsetting and leave me feeling like i can't relate. often i find that my frustration at being invalid, hurt and isolated is anger. i don't like to feel angry. i don't like any of it. i don't even want to be a part of it.

now the second part of this which is that i'm not great at conflict. in the heat of the moment i have two conflict styles: avoidance and anger. if i'm given time to process the information isolate the source of my discomfort and figure out the logical solution i can communicate quite well. in fact given that opportunity i'm a damn good communicator. so i know that this is also inconvenient... i know that in this world of instant gratification, reality television and online shopping it seems that i could maybe move into the new millenium and speed things up but i'll be honest... when it comes to conflict i'm back in approximately 1826. yeah, i know it's fucked up. i have conflict resolution skills circa 1826 ... maybe 1835 on a good day. and the even more important thing is that it's not about the other person. it's about my own shit. and yeah, i'm working on it. and yeah, it's easy to analyze and talk about here but i only get a chance to practice when i'm in conflict and i find that it's not the best time to experiment with outcomes. further more... it's probably a good time to admit that these are the secondary skills cuz the first ones were ones that i had before $15000 in therapy.

moreover, i think it's important for everyone to understand that i'm not doing that because i like to be difficult in that way - it's a personality defect. i realize that it's a lot to ask for.... that small courtesy... to not be inconsiderate, to validate other people and to understand that sometimes i need a minute. do i expect that eventually it will get to a point where these things aren't true? abso-fucking-lutely. but in the meantime try to work with me people... geez...

trinity broadcasting network

three things i just saw on the trinity broadcasting network:

1. kirk cameron preaching about the lord and how dirty we all are.... he was a way better actor on whatever unimportant 80s show he used to be on..

2. an old lady (91 if she was a day) crying because she was stoked about the choir. i'm still not sure why she was crying unless it was the dude in the fourth row who was clearly lipsynching.

3. a dude with a mullet talking about the coming apocalypse and then trying to sell his book to viewers about said apocalypse. he did not mention mullets and their inherent tie into all that is evil.

three other things you should know:
1. no i don't watch trinity broadcasting network usually

2. i was flipping channels and it looked just as interesting as a sitcom

3. i'm concerned about what i've seen and feel a little weirded out like i've seen something i shouldn't have... i've seen porn that made me feel less ashamed.

it's just good

panic at the disco - nine in the afternoon