i'm goin' back to the start... a fairytale with a happy ending

tonight i'm going to do something i hardly ever do... i'm going to stop jumping to the conclusion and summary part of things. instead of writing about the lesson or the jewels of wisdom i'm going to go back in time and write about the actual past... i'm such a compartmentalizer that i forget that everyone doesn't have my brain and know all the old information.

first we're going to listen to this song and i mean listen to it and love it and then listen to it all over again. when i heard it tonight my stomach dropped and i fell in love with it immediately.



additionally you should go here: Cover Lay Down and read this music blog that i follow and hear some of the cover songs posted there.... you know how i feel about music and that the soundtrack we give ourselves really changes us and makes us what we are. i wish that people had external speakers that could play whatever we are thinking about... like the montage in movies where someone is walking or running and the song plays over the top... that is how i envision my life sometimes... the memories are there and i view them from a respectful distance (so not to get muddy, hurt or involved all over again) and i hear the music crest over the distasteful parts... music can always bring me right back there. a song can literally bring it all back.... right to the surface.

so once upon a time... (because that's how stories start around here)... there was this girl who lived all over the world. she traveled through most of southeast asia and moved almost every year. each time she started over again and made new friends (sort of). she never really got involved... it was just too messy and complicated and painful and things were sort of um... chaotic at home. (is that the nice way we say that?) so then when she is 15 she moves to this tiny town in arizona... which really isn't that tiny... and she has to begin to make friends with people - real friends that really know her. the problem is that there are so many versions of her, so many different places, so many imagined or real things that got fucked up along the way and somewhat important is the home life. the life we don't talk about even today. the parts we glaze over and we forget and we deny and we avoid.

so she set about making those friends and doing those things and creating that illusion of normalcy. i'll be honest here because i'm the narrator of this little fairy tale and sometimes the narrator gives that creepy voice over thing that gives the audience that glimpse into the future and real insight into what is "really" going on.... the truth is that it was an illusion period. full stop. end of sentence. the honest truth is that everything was so fucked up that it was a horrible front... it was the best she could do at 15 with the tools she had been given. so those years now seem so distant - literally and metaphorically. those years seem to not belong to her because the internal conversation went on a loop something like this:

everything is fine. smile and nod. it's fine. does anyone realize i'm on the fucking edge here? does anyone see what i see? do they know how fucked up everything in my life is? am i as fucking transparent as i feel? it's fine. everything is fine. smile and nod.

and that horrible front built on 15 year old knowledge and worn out coping tools looked something like confidence, anger, rebellion, alcoholism, hatred, violence, indifference, apathy and mostly it looked like a person that a fucking mess. and so the girl spent most of her time looking like it was all fine and doing shit that girls that are a fucking mess do... she dated boys that treated her as badly as she felt. she distanced herself from really knowing anyone. from really letting anyone in.

so about 3 years later when her grandfather died after the most recent relationship exploded into bits of fucked up ugly pieces that bad relationships explode into she looked around and realized that there wasn't anyone. they had no idea how she drove all night from that shitty little town just so that she could sit in his office and wear his old shirt and how four irish whiskey and waters into that night she realized that she was alone in the world. they didn't know that he had been such a big part of her that when he was buried she almost slept at the cemetery that night so he wouldn't be alone. when she drove home from that trip still reeling from the shock and pain that she packed her things and left that little town. she ran. she ran. in the next four years she moved frequently. to phoenix, los angeles, new york city, on tour and back to phoenix.

along the way she made more messes. she got herself into more messes. if we're all being honest here... she almost didn't make it... on more than one occasion. there was that night in california that we never speak of.... that black horrible indelible night. the three days after that where she didn't speak or really even acknowledge the world in general. the day of police questioning that revictimized a 24 year old girl that in all fairness didn't have the best coping skills. and the eight months that followed that she didn't eat, didn't sleep, had anxiety attacks, drank like she did when she was 17, took pills like they were candy and sometimes took too many just to feel like she could escape for a time into blackout sleep.

then came the most unlikely saviours. she got pregnant by accident (turns out pills are only 97% effective) most people would believe that this girl had no business raising another child. in fact people said it out loud... to her face... and still she knew somewhere inside her that this was the only thing big enough to get her to focus forwards instead of backwards. and so she became a mom. she had an amazing baby that changed her life and saved her from the self destruction she had been hell bent on. she went to a therapist. she stopped having the internal conversation that said she was beyond saving. she started telling herself that everything was going to work itself out. she started believing it. she found herself surrounded by friends that knew and understood her. she sought out people that would forgive who she had been and wait patiently by for her to become the person she could be. she grew up. she found love and hope and patience and confidence and happiness and it turns out that she had all the business in the world raising a child. in fact it's the first thing she didn't fail at. it's the first thing she didn't run from. it's the first thing she did with the focus forward on the light at the end of the tunnel.

i tell that story as the opening to this little blog entry:
this weekend i saw people from my past. from the darkness where now there is only light in my life. i learned that frustration and anger and disappointment from being a teenager has faded so much over time that it is simply a very distant montage of me growing and learning and changing doing the best i could do at the time. when the weekend was over i didn't want it to end. i felt like i had come home. full circle. and it was strange and wonderful. i am so grateful for that time. for that glimpse. for the perspective from here, the safe distance that i have achieved and the calm inside of me that comes from reflection, understanding and love. which comes the line in the song above... yes you are still supposed to be listening... "Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be so hard, I’m goin’ back to the start"

there is another part of all of this. another ugly part that is difficult to talk about in this open forum without worrying about how my words will be interpreted. i will say it this simply. although i wish i had the chance to communicate better, handle things differently and alter the outcome slightly i have no regrets. i am not going to start second guessing the path right now. i'm simply going to enjoy the scenery and know what i know today each day until it's time to cross a bridge.

how could i not go to bed grateful tonight? how could i not be happy? yes john... i'm writing my own happiness check... i'm the only one responsible for that.