as the old saying goes.... time flies when you're having fun

the soundtrack is here: (just right click it for that handy little additional tab listening goodness for your reading / listening pleasure) resurrection fern - iron and wine

there are things that we cannot change and we cannot control. we loosely discuss those things as life. this is mine. sometimes i look at it objectively and believe that perhaps it is happening too fast or to slow... sometimes i just stand back and wish i could get it all in to the picture at once. i find myself and lose myself daily for lack of anything else to do. i drive to and from the hospital to see my dad with my heart alternately filled with despair, anger, hope, annoyance and frustration. i sit by his bed and listen to him talk about things that make very little sense... unless he is talking about drinking jack daniels (i know that all to intimately) or he is talking about the things that i am and that i am not. those barbs no longer have the weight of the heart piercing arrows that he once slung my way... although most of the old arrows were shot at me when i was too young to have armour to protect myself. the perspective that has formed is a sad one of people crammed together into a room on the second floor of a hospital brought together by some twist in genetics, timing and fate. it has recently come to my attention that we in fact cannot control our past or the people from our past... and that the best we can do is create a new type of future and with it a new perspective.


my life has become a version of a bad small talk conversation with metaphors and old adages thrown in where people don't know what else to say...
a stitch in time saves nine
a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush
a penny saved is a penny earned
every cloud has it's silver lining
haste makes waste
i'm not sure what those things have to do with our conversations but people say them anyway. i seem to be having conversations about having a conversation about what is going on in my life. i suppose that people believe there must be a segway from one topic to another and as a last resort they pull words that have no concrete meaning into the forefront... all i know is that the words don't ever seem to quench the thirst i have for understanding nor do the tendrils of contact seem to erase the ache that has become resident in my heart. gratitude and warm wishes fade into my background like the sound of a dripping tap that you can't fix nor do you really want to locate. in the forefront is the booming sound of a minefield of old wounds and familial ties. generation after generation linked together into a quilt of things that make us what we are today. sometimes the question poses itself... what are we? what is really going on here? i have neither the time nor the patience to answer either one.

i'm looking forward to the smell of campfire and easy conversations about other things or perhaps not talking much at all. there is a comfort in old friends and old habits that define us in our best and worst moments. i'm looking forward to time with rollins and mfj where i can be the absolute worst version of myself and no one really cares... simply because they love me anyway. i'll simply be free for 5 days and freedom is something sorely missed these days.

in other news: my fairy tale from a few days ago - the boy and the girl and the questions has been answered with some certainty... it ended nicely with the boy and the girl deciding to be friends. or at least the boy emailing that they could keep in touch and the girl accepting that since really there is nothing else she could do to change the situation. i suppose the only thing to say here is.... time flies when you're having fun.




boy with a coin @ messiah - iron & wine - sidenote: buy this album immediately it's amazing